Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "PENIS". Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.

She almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

 

[givemfitz]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

 

[Terinth]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Aug 26 2004, 01:21 AM
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "PENIS". Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.

She almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Hahaha :lol: :heart: it

 

[givemfitz]

During a friendly argument, my wife asked me why I married her in the first place.
"I was just stupid," I teased. When she said she was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," she said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

 

[givemfitz]

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle.

He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "Hey! You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

 

[dascoot]

Ladies and gentlemen, what Adtunes would look like if it was run by rednecks:

Hehehe (hit the dialectize button)!!

 

[dascoot]

And here's another fun one.

Click me!

 

[JamesB0MB]

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you.
I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.
I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!".



The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters.
The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"


The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery.
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smith's bought one for their bedroom.
I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a nightclub one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent! .
"One Cent", exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing downstairs to his business."


The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said.
"Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent.
"Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky, I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

 

[michelle]

Originally posted by dascoot@Aug 27 2004, 04:54 AM
Ladies and gentlemen, what Adtunes would look like if it was run by rednecks:

Hehehe (hit the dialectize button)!!

:lol: I thtink this should be our permanent tagline:

"Whut in tarnation was th' song used in thet tellyvishun commercial?"

 

[givemfitz]

A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.

"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"

 

[givemfitz]

Dear Bible Thumping Right Wing Fanatic,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I Have learned a great deal from you and your kind and am so happy to have been set straight, no pun intended, on the evils of an alternate lifestyle or of being in any way different.
As a recent convert from the sinful free thinking ways of a liberal I admit that my former ignorance allowed me to maintian an attitude that would surely have seen me burned in hell. I had some of the craziest ideas. Like as long as an inividual wasn't hurting anyone what they did with their life was their business. I actually believed that same sex marriage was harmless. Especially if it was between two women and they were really attractive.
But now I try to share my new found knowledge with as many people as I can get to listen. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
However, being so new to the conservative version of right and wrong, most of which is taken straight from the indisputable pages of the Bible, I do need some advice from you regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

B) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend) He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. I wish to make every effort to practice every word I read to the letter of the law as I've just recently read the passage concerning this Jesus person healing the sick on the Sabbath. We all know what happened to him.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

 

[dascoot]

That is BEAUTIFUL! I'm SO keeping that one..

 

[givemfitz]

Thanks. I made a good portion of that one up myself. Most of the Bible quotes and a couple of choice lines are from a letter I found to a radio talk show host though.

 

[givemfitz]

Shopping With Hubby

My husband was with me when I decided to buy something for our daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.

Inside, my husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him.

In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?"

In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, Sir."

 

[givemfitz]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10..3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User.



REPLY

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3..0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck, Tech Support

 

[JamesB0MB]

I worked in a Canadian Bank... can you tell from this "joke":

SOME DEFINITIONS:

CEO: chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: corporate fraud officer.

NAV: normal Anderson valuation.

P/E: parole entitlement.

EPS: eventual prison sentence.

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance and
the wife gets no jewelry

MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.

VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the prices fall.

BROKER: What my broker has made me.

"BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations
as you step off the plane.

STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his
wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.

WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that
bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in
a nuthouse

PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God

 

[cultclassic]

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife....well done. You may now kiss the bride.....Nice one. All right, please be seated everybody. I'd just like to say a few words before the communion. You know, a lot of prospective brides ask me these days, "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" And I tend to reply by telling them a little story about the first time I was asked that question. It was a couple of years ago, a young attractive bride to be came up to me after the service and asked me just that question. "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" And I replied, "Well, you know, Joanne, I'd like to tell you, but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!" .....And so, she showed me......
And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" I always reply, "Well, you know, I'd like to tell you... but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!"


-Rowan Atkinson, from With Friends Like These...

 

[givemfitz]

.......... .......... .......... :huh: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

 

[givemfitz]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.

They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.

They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME DAMN CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID !@#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!

WHY?!

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THE HOUSE!!

THE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?