Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

A blonde is standing by the first tee, waiting for her golf lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a good shot," said the blonde.

"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.

"What do you mean?" said the blonde.

"I have a glass eye," said the golfer.

"I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde.

He popped his eye out and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a good shot," said the blonde.

"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.

"What's wrong with you?" said the blonde.

"I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer.

"I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a good shot," said the blonde.

"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.

"What's wrong with you?" said the blonde.

"I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer.

"I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.

The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde.

"Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.

"What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial heart," said the golfer.

"I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.

"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop."

As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up.

As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.

 

[givemfitz]

In a college English class once, my teacher announced, "For your assignment, I want you to describe yourself in ten words or less." I wrote, "Succinct."

 

[givemfitz]

Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch "sweatshop" onto his shoes.

Here are the responses he got.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons:

1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual property

2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not have the legal right to use

3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization?

4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides, your mother would slap us.

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


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From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Greetings,

My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word "sweatshop."

Sweatshop is not: 1) another's party's trademark, 2) the name of an athlete, 3) blank, or 4) profanity.

I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me immediately.

Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang". If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


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From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: "a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions" and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email.

Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to choose and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that "If you want it done right...build it yourself." I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.

Thank you, Jonah Peretti


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web site that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24 hours after it has been submitted". In addition, it further explains: "While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot honor every one. Some may be (or contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products. Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit another." With these rules in mind, we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one small request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?

Thanks, Jonah Peretti

(no response)

 

[givemfitz]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

 

[givemfitz]

My son has a habit of leaving notes for me on the refrigerator. One morning I came downstairs to find a note that read: "My Dixie wrecked."

I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in.

I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back. "My Dixie wrecked", "My Dixie Wrecked" ...

Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness. It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave. I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely: "My Dixie Wrecked"... Hmmm....

I got up for coffee and muttered to myself: "'My Dixie wrecked'" I wonder what that means?"

I even said it out loud a few times: "'My Dixie wrecked'! What's the meaning of that?"

I even asked my Mom! I said to her; "'My Dixie wrecked'. What does that mean?"

I'd change the accents: "my-Dixie-Wrecked. My-Dixie-wrecked. My-Dixie-wrecked."

It was driving me nuts.

My son finally got home from school and I blurted out; "My-Dixie-wrecked! What the hell does that mean?

"Well in your case mom," he answered, "It means you're lying."

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Aug 18 2004, 04:23 AM
My Dixie wrecked

I had to say this out loud to my husband before I got it. And he's like "It is, huh?" :huh:
edit: Oops, quoted the wrong thing..

 

[givemfitz]

:lol: Well.....at least he didn't call you a liar.

 

[dascoot]

You sayin I wasn't lying????

 

[givemfitz]

Ummm I'm sayin' whatever keeps me outta trouble. B)

 

[dascoot]

Smoothie. Definitely a smoothie.

 

[givemfitz]

Morris, an elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless-girl of about seventeen, ransacking his home.

He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"

Morris thought for a moment and decided to give in.

Soon they were naked in bed together.

The old man tried hard to get aroused, but finally, after about 15 minutes he rolled over, exhausted and embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."

 

[givemfitz]

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot a duck off a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[givemfitz]

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"King's Cross," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at driver?"

"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"

 

[givemfitz]

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarves who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not."

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Europe?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

Suddenly the six remaining Dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguiiiiiin, Dopey screwed a penguiiiiiin..."

 

[givemfitz]

Not long after his marriage, Joe Jr and his father Joe Sr, met for lunch.

"Well, son," asked Joe Sr, "how is married life treating you?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior. "It seems I married a nun."

"A nun?" his father questioned.

"That's right," moaned Joe Jr. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"

Joe Sr nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.

"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"

Young Joe smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"

"Fine," replied Joe Sr, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

 

[givemfitz]

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "for modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."

"So I can't dance with my own wife?"

"No."

"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"

"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"

"What about different positions?" the man asks.

"No problem," says the rabbi.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Why not?" replies the rabbi.

"How about doggie-style?"

"Of course!"

"Well, what about standing up?"

"NO!" says the rabbi, "It could lead to dancing!"

 

[givemfitz]

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry about me," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"

 

[givemfitz]

One day a man came home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes,"

"Well, today I didn't do it!"

 

[givemfitz]

A redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back

 

[givemfitz]

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm, far out west in cattle country.
One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull doing one of his cows.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."