Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains.

It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit.

In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carburetor was frozen.

A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for just such an occasion. "Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it."

"Can't," replied the rider.

So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later, the local department received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.

 

[givemfitz]

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

 

[givemfitz]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops .... a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

**POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

**POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

 

[n0twilly]

Why did the chicken cross the road???????????



































to get to the other side. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[givemfitz]

Why did the Tshirt cross the road?


















































It was stapled to a chicken.

 

[givemfitz]

Dear Grandson:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love,
Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

 

[givemfitz]

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lions' cage.

"Bloody hell!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

 

[dascoot]

Yuk yuk yuk. You funny guy.

 

[n0twilly]

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?



































































because he was on the other side!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[dascoot]

:mellow:

 

[michelle]

what's with the "long scroll" jokes?

 

[andy]

To make you stand on your toes!

 

[givemfitz]

I just did the one as a short bus response to a short bus joke but I've done it a few other times in the past to hide a punch line although not to such an exaggerated degree. Just far enough to hide the punch line.
I can't speak for n0twilly but he'd better watch out for Jo Anne Worley.

 

[givemfitz]

A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady. The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."

The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[givemfitz]

Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were called for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the body's identity.

Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

 

[givemfitz]

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.

It went something like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.' What would you say to such a thing?"

One of the women in the class spoke up immediately - "Does she cook???"

 

[givemfitz]

One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with this woman." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and turning around she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a pleasant voice and a neat appearance, so, after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to her apartment where they immediately went to bed.

The following morning the man presented her with $25.00. As he prepared to leave she demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the money I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

In court after the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honour, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00 which is only half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honour, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labour being performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property adequately compensated for rental of said property. We therefore, ask judgement be not granted."

The young lady's lawyer come back was this: "Your Honour: My client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property, also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore, ask that judgement be granted."

The judge's decision was that the defendant should either pay the plaintiff the $25.00 balance, or, failing that, that the defendant should detach the aforementioned equipment and present it to plaintiff for damages.

The man hurriedly wrote out a check for $25.00 to the young lady.

Case dismissed.

 

[givemfitz]

A buddy of mine and his wife were getting ready for bed.

His wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to him and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for him will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 a.m. at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

 

[givemfitz]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

 

[givemfitz]

A (supposedly) true story:

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.

"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.

.
. (after a short pause and several clicks)
.

"Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now"

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"