Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

NEW FROM IKEA.....Lesbian beds. No screws.....all tongue and groove. <<< :huh:

 

[givemfitz]

Taking a wee break from the golf course Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...'Top O' the mornin to ya'.

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

'So what are those things, laddie?' asks the attendant.

They're called tees,' replies Tiger. 'And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?' Inquires the Irishman.

'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive,' replies Tiger.

'Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!' exclaims the Irish attendant. 'Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.'

 

[leone]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of
her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

 

[leone]

Kinky is using a feather.

Perverted is using the whole chicken.

 

[leone]

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.

 

[colts48]

Q. Do you know when a cop is dead. I mean really dead.
A. When the jelly rolls out of his hand.

 

[Larry234]

- Fear Factor would have been much scarier if it had just been people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers.
- My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said that at the end of this ruler is a totally dumb person. I got a detention after asking which end!
- Alcohol is never the answer; but it does make you forget the question!