Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Weiss admitted to reporters in Dresden, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."

Weiss, a forty-one year old gardener from Dresden, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys.

"I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.

"After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there.

People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM300 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."

 

[JamesB0MB]

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

10. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards Executive).

9. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division).

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for a Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change the burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive FTD Florists).

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation).

6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go and act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.).

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporations)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service).

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company).

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter!!" (Lykes Lines Shipping)

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

 

[givemfitz]

Ya know.....I think I've actually heard #2 used at work and I'm sure about #6.

 

[n0twilly]

why didn't the chicken cross the road??

because he was too chicken.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[givemfitz]

A man named Smith takes his wife to a clinic for some tests.

About an hour later a technician comes out and asks for "Mr. Smith" Smith says "that's me."

The technician says, "Mr. Smith, there's a problem. There were two Elizabeth Smiths in here today and we don't know which one was your wife."

"Well," Smith says, "what were the test results?"

"Mr. Smith, I'm afraid one is bad and the other is really awful"

"What do you mean?"

"One Mrs. Smith has Alzheimers and the other has AIDS!"

"My God, what should I do?"

"Well, normally we'd suggest doing the tests over. But we called your health insurance and they will only pay for one test. Their suggestion is that you take your wife and drop her off on the other side of town. If she finds her way home, do NOT sleep with her!"

 

[givemfitz]

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief..... "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside him. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down this morning."

 

[givemfitz]

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went."

"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

 

[givemfitz]

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Naturally, the driver didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses: karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong, and what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

 

[dascoot]

Fitz did you make that avatar? Or did I miss a convo somewhere else where you explained it? Cause it rocks.

 

[givemfitz]

I changed it in honor of the long standing joke from this thread and because of this recent one.

And Nawwwwww I didn't make it. I don't have those skills. YET.
It's actually one of several kewl buddy icons that Andy Panda was nice enough to host for me. That's why it's pixilated. Because the original is so tiny.

In fact I was thinking we could all take turns using it if anyone else is interested and because I like to change mine fro time to time anyway. If so then maybe Andy could host it seperate from the rest of them.

 

[andy]

Yeah, if you change your avatar, I'll put it somewhere else.

 

[givemfitz]

Found this on the web and I'm not sure if it's a joke or not but it made me laugh.

Noone expects one to be a grammer teacher. Its just that those who cannot be bothered to learn there own language can't make very valid arguements. Who's fault is it? Probably our very own educational system. Imagine, a whole generation growing up not nowing general sentance contstruction. Actually, I could care less if anyone gets the language right. However. we should be much more carefull, both in our writting and in our speach, lest we be missunderstood. How can we communicate if we loose our ability to write?

 

[givemfitz]

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he'd been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example, do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"

"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."

"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"

"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"

"But once you're aloft?"

"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."

"But I still don't see how you land!"

"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Aug 11 2004, 04:35 AM
Found this on the web and I'm not sure if it's a joke or not but it made me laugh.

That made my head spin like Linguo. "AIR-OAR! AIR-OAR!"

 

[andy]

Linguo dead?

 

[givemfitz]

Three guys were debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember going to my parents senior prom. I arrived with my dad, and came home with my mom."

 

[givemfitz]

Saddam Hussein is sitting in his office, wondering what country to invade, when his phone rings.

"Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on your country!!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "this indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my word."

"Oh heck," says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighs and says, "Paddy, I have 16 thousand tanks, two thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armoured cars, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Fook me!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've kitted out old Ted's crop-sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Once more Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10 thousand bombers and 20 thousand MiG 27 attack planes, and my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface to air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."

"Oh bollocks," says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, we've given it careful consideration and decided there's no way we can cope with two million prisoners!"

 

[givemfitz]

A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!"

So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland."

"My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor.

Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in.

 

[givemfitz]

If men really did rule the world...
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foamhand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to 29 Feb so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay- per-view event in world history.

The only show opposite Mon. Night Football would be Mon. Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

 

[givemfitz]

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."