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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
- Start date
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, some Polish blood, a little Indian blood, and even some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, some Polish blood, a little Indian blood, and even some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well, rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation.
"Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded.
Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question.
She had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a . . . ?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation. 'Housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk asked: "And what is your occupation?"
What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm. . .a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research [what mother doesn't?] in the laboratory and in the field [normally I would have said indoors and out]. I'm working for my Masters [the whole family] and already have four credits [all daughters]. Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities [any mother care to disagree?] and I often work 14 hours a day [24 is more like it]. But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - age 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another. . .Mother."
"Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded.
Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question.
She had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a . . . ?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation. 'Housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk asked: "And what is your occupation?"
What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm. . .a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research [what mother doesn't?] in the laboratory and in the field [normally I would have said indoors and out]. I'm working for my Masters [the whole family] and already have four credits [all daughters]. Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities [any mother care to disagree?] and I often work 14 hours a day [24 is more like it]. But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - age 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another. . .Mother."
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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A man went to his doctor with a rather unusual problem - his penis would periodically develop an orange rash. Worried that he might have picked up some strange disease, he sought professional help.
The doctor stated, "Well, I have to admit, I don't know. Your blood work came back negative and it doesn't look diseased, just discolored. Are you sexually active?"
The man responded, "When I can be. I mean, considering all the sex diseases around today, most women take one look at the color and that's the end. It's gotten so bad lately I don't even try much."
Then the doctor asked, "So how do you spend your evenings?"
The man replied, "Well, most nights I just rent a porno flick and sit there with my bag of Cheetos."
The doctor stated, "Well, I have to admit, I don't know. Your blood work came back negative and it doesn't look diseased, just discolored. Are you sexually active?"
The man responded, "When I can be. I mean, considering all the sex diseases around today, most women take one look at the color and that's the end. It's gotten so bad lately I don't even try much."
Then the doctor asked, "So how do you spend your evenings?"
The man replied, "Well, most nights I just rent a porno flick and sit there with my bag of Cheetos."
givemfitz
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Look what someone left on my desk.
TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: Sept 3, 2004
It has been brought to management's attention that individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF No fucking way
TRY SAYING Really?
INSTEAD OF You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF What the fuck?
TRY SAYING I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF This job sucks.
TRY SAYING I see.
INSTEAD OF Blow me.
TRY SAYING Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting!
TRY SAYING I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF He's a prick.
TRY SAYING She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: Sept 3, 2004
It has been brought to management's attention that individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF No fucking way
TRY SAYING Really?
INSTEAD OF You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF What the fuck?
TRY SAYING I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF This job sucks.
TRY SAYING I see.
INSTEAD OF Blow me.
TRY SAYING Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting!
TRY SAYING I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF He's a prick.
TRY SAYING She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
This topic is owned by youOriginally posted by givemfitz@Sep 3 2004, 05:40 AM
Noooooooooo.It was a joke. I changed the date. It did have a 2002 date on it.
It was actually dropped on me a couple of weeks ago. I've just finally put it in my computer so I could post it.
:lol:
Nobody else bothers much. 
shrugs.My friend tell this joke all the time and she has a thick Southern accent and so you have to imgine this told with that accent. It makes it a little funnier.
Two southern belles are sitting on the veranda sipping mint julips.
The first belle said to the second, "For our first anniversary my husband gave me this diamond ring."
The second belle said "How nice!"
The first belle said, "For our second anniversary my husband gave me this fur coat."
The second belle said "How nice!"
The first belle said, "For our third anniversary my husband took me on a cruise around the world."
The second belle said "How nice!"
The first belle said, "What did your husband give you?"
The second belle said, "He sent me to finishing school."
"Finishing school? Whatever for?"
"Well, I used to say up yours, now I say 'How nice!'"
Needless to say my friend and I say "How nice!" to each other often and then laugh and nobody understands what we're laughing at. :lol: :lol:
Two southern belles are sitting on the veranda sipping mint julips.
The first belle said to the second, "For our first anniversary my husband gave me this diamond ring."
The second belle said "How nice!"
The first belle said, "For our second anniversary my husband gave me this fur coat."
The second belle said "How nice!"
The first belle said, "For our third anniversary my husband took me on a cruise around the world."
The second belle said "How nice!"
The first belle said, "What did your husband give you?"
The second belle said, "He sent me to finishing school."
"Finishing school? Whatever for?"
"Well, I used to say up yours, now I say 'How nice!'"
Needless to say my friend and I say "How nice!" to each other often and then laugh and nobody understands what we're laughing at. :lol: :lol:
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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Our son recently married a Russian woman. During the reception, Russian and American guests proposed toasts. As someone translated, my sister-in-law said, "Good health, good fortune. Go forth and multiply."
I couldn't help noticing that some of the guests looked confused.
We found out later that the toast had been translated as, "Good health, good fortune. Go and do math."
I couldn't help noticing that some of the guests looked confused.
We found out later that the toast had been translated as, "Good health, good fortune. Go and do math."
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
dascoot
expat
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MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
A poem by George W. Bush (and verified as actual quotes by snopes.com)
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!
A poem by George W. Bush (and verified as actual quotes by snopes.com)
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
