Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

Following is a supposed letter of resignation from an employee at a computer company, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Smith,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you f or your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

 

[givemfitz]

In Washington, D.C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"

 

[givemfitz]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


At a Proctologist's door

"To expedite your visit please back in."


On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."


On a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."


Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."


At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."


In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."


On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."


On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."


At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."


Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."


In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


At a Propane Filling Station,

"Thank heaven for little grills."


And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak.

 

[cultclassic]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

[givemfitz]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Good ooooooooooone.

 

[michelle]

:lol: that's funny.

 

[givemfitz]

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.

She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd just walk around until she found "just the right one."

She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the preening birds, past the happy hamsters, past the whirling monkeys, and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her or seemed to be just what she was looking for.

She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel.

At the bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad.

When she looked in, he WINKED at her! She couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the happy hamsters, the whirling monkeys and the darting fish.

Nothing really did it for her.

She was starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around, just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!

This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about raaan back over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or golden hamsters or whirling monkeys or fancy fish seemed right for her. Totally discouraged by now, the widow decided to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even sniffed a bit.

This was too much for our widow, she started heading for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming From the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. "What could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF!

He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first hotel she came to!

 

[givemfitz]

A man is sitting at home with his wife. He says to her, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."

"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"

"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100"

"I don't care", she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.

"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?" she asks.

"Please forgive me, sweetheart." he says.

"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."

 

[givemfitz]

On a flight to Dallas a pompous clergyman was seated in First Class next to a Texan. After the plane was airborne drink orders were taken.

The Texan asked for a whiskey and soda which was brought to him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" he proclaimed.

The Texan looked at the minister and then handed his drink back to the attendant. "Gee," he said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[givemfitz]

Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalizer again!"

 

[givemfitz]

A guy goes to a local carpenter in his hometown and asks him if he could build a box two inches wide, by two inches high, by 50 feet long.
The carpenter, slightly confused by the request, says he could do it, but out of curiosity, he asks what the box will be used for.
The guy says "Nothing really important; you see, my neighbor moved about a week ago, and he forgot a couple of things. He asked if I could mail his garden hose.

 

[givemfitz]

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak their name, and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Gabe and I'm in for murder."

Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Rich and I'm in for armed robbery."

Again, there is a round of approving looks.

This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.

He stands up and says "My name is Eli, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"

The group leader says "Now, come on Eli, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for having sex with dogs."

Everyone is disgusted, and someone shouts out, "That's sick! How LOW can you go!?!"

"Chihuahuas", Eli replies.

 

[cultclassic]

Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"

The bride blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."

Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, call it a p**ck"

"Well, buddy," the girl replied. "I've seen p**cks! THAT's a wee-wee."

 

[dascoot]

:lol:

 

[givemfitz]

Tom and Bob were driving on the highway, on their way to go bear hunting. They come upon this fork in the road, where there was a sign that said " BEAR LEFT". So they turned around and went home.

 

[givemfitz]

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."

"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.

Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"

"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"

"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"

"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture menswear..."

 

[andy]

:lol:
It's funny because the other son is gay...

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by andy@Sep 15 2004, 05:30 AM
:lol:
It's funny because the other son is gay...

And that was funny because it's high-larious when jokes are explained that way. :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

A man calls the doctor and says, "Doc, doc, my wife is in labor and the contractions are only two minutes apart!" The doctor asked, "Is this her first child?" "No, you idiot," He answers, "this is her husband!"

 

[givemfitz]

The First Phone Call
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.

An exciting new discovery is about to take place.

Mr. Bell and his assistant, Mr. Watson, have been hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.

As Mr. Watson toils away in the room with the receiver, he suddenly hears a message coming over the wires:

"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long distance service?"