Sir_Garland
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There I fixed it.
k:
[/b][/quote]
:lol:
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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
- Start date
k: [/b][/quote] :lol:
Sir_Garland
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~A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"??"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
~There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.??So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.??Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.??"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.??The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.??"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.??Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.??She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.??She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "If I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"??The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
~Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral - Not all Kentuckians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all Men are men.
~There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.??So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.??Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.??"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.??The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.??"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.??Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.??She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.??She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "If I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"??The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
~Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral - Not all Kentuckians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all Men are men.
Sir_Garland
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I liked the first one. I had not heard that before. The other two I've gotten several times in emails.
Sir_Garland
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Sir_Garland
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:lol: No, I don't hate blondes if that was what you were asking. I just wasn't sure what you were talking about.
dascoot
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I was just at the VFW and this lady said "YOU'RE a blonde, you should appreciate this!" and then told a similar blonde redemption joke, except it wasn't funny, and I was sitting there staring perplexed at her because I'm totally not blonde, and she's all HAHAAHAHH!!! and blowing smoke in my face and it was so completely not a killer time.
Sir_Garland
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:lol:
cultclassic
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leone
baby daddy
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New Years Resolutions
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
leone
baby daddy
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Christmas Songs for Shrinks
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock
Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock
Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).
leone
baby daddy
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A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Bloodlessr
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haha! Served. :lol:
leone
baby daddy
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Beer Translations
1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I'll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) I''m easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) I''m gay.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I''ll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (male) I''m horny.
10. "Who''s got the next round?" I haven''t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I'll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) I''m easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) I''m gay.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I''ll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (male) I''m horny.
10. "Who''s got the next round?" I haven''t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
leone
baby daddy
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A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
Sir_Garland
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:lol: I don't know why but that's like one of the funniest jokes I've heard lately.
