Joke Thread

[leone]

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1. Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2. Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3. On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4. In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
5. At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
6. On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7. In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8. Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10. In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

 

[leone]

Things I Learned From Movies

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

 

[dascoot]

:lol: :lol: Also:

32. As long as you duck your head toward the person you're talking to, no one else in the room can hear your very un-whispered conversation.

 

[leone]

:lol: :lol: Very true.

Dont forget: Now matter which large city you're in, you'll get to your destination in 10 minutes during rush hour.

 

[dascoot]

Haha and:

Everyone else's phone emits the dial tone as soon as the person on the other line hangs up. Yours is the only one that's broken.

 

[leone]

:lol: :lol: I knew it!

It is customary to run to a confining location when a knife-wielding madman is chasing you. You should also take a lengthy break to scream during which the would-be killer gains no ground.

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by leone@Jan 8 2006, 04:01 AM
:lol: :lol: I knew it!

It is customary to run to a confining location when a knife-wielding madman is chasing you. You should also take a lengthy break to scream during which the would-be killer gains no ground.

:lol:

Addendum: When said confining location is not available because you are on the ground floor of a large home with several exits, be sure to run upstairs where there will be numerous bathrooms and bedroom closets with slatted doors to serve your purpose.

 

[cultclassic]

:lol: Nice!

Any person shot with a silencer gun will cooperate by dying quetly.

 

[cultclassic]

Originally posted by leone@Jan 8 2006, 03:20 AM
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

Defusing any bomb, even nuclear, will eventually boil down to one question: red wire or blue wire? Usually asked by the expert who's job IS to know which wire.

 

[leone]

:lol:

All evil villains are required to give a self-incriminating speech before their attempted coup de grace. The cops are always listening and are waiting 'til the last possible moment to step in.

 

[cultclassic]

:lol:
Any chase in a foreign country will involve the toppling of atleast one watermelon cart.

 

[leone]

:lol: :lol:


Women in 4 inch heels can always out-run the sneaker-wearing bad guy.

 

[Bloodlessr]

Originally posted by cultclassic@Jan 8 2006, 04:04 PM
:lol:
Any chase in a foreign country will involve the toppling of atleast one watermelon cart.

That is sooooo true. :lol:

 

[ledzepgrl]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

 

[ledzepgrl]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

 

[leone]

Punchlines With Absolutely No Context

"No, no, no!" said the penguin, "I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder!"

"Surprise! Surprise! That's not my ear canal either!"

Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again!

"Mommy Mommy," Little Johnny replied, "is that why the soufflé is burnt?"

"Tokyo?" Said the nun, "You fool, I said take the hoe!"

And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my father you farted and it smelled.

And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently.

"Whew!" said the blonde, "I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner surface!"

"No wait, you don't understand," said the fat man, "Pop Tarts are a substitute for my mother's love!"

As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken. The dog was only taking a nap.

"Yeah," said the Scottsman, "but at least I don't have a scented hand soap named after ME!"

As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled "EGG BEATER!"

"Isotope?" He replied, "That's no isotope!"

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by Bloodlessr+Jan 8 2006, 10:09 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Bloodlessr @ Jan 8 2006, 10:09 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-cultclassic@Jan 8 2006, 04:04 PM
:lol:
Any chase in a foreign country will involve the toppling of atleast one watermelon cart.

That is sooooo true. :lol: [/b][/quote]
I got another one:

When investigating a crime scene, be sure to bring your flashlight because the electricity will always be off and the building pitch-black. Even at noon.

 

[leone]

Miseducation of Man and Woman

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

 

[leone]

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing president Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

[Sir_Garland]

Originally posted by leone@Jan 10 2006, 02:33 PM
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing president Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: Omg, even I'll laugh at that!