Joke Thread

[leone]

A husband returns home from work one night to discover that his wife is missing. He spends the next two days looking for her, only to come home on the second night and find his spouse sitting in the kitchen, eating some pasta.

"You're alive!" he cries. "Where have you been all this time?"

"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week," she replies.

"But you've only been gone two days...."

"Yeah, I'm just here to get something to eat."

 

[dascoot]

:lol: :lol:

 

[leone]

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, "Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"I'm sorry to hear that," says the first man. "Couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"Nope," replies the second guy. "Everyone's at the funeral."

 

[leone]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mom, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we’re leaving."

 

[leone]

A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.

"I hit a pig on the road, and he's stuck under my truck," he explains. "What should I do?"

"Shoot it in the head," answers the boss. "Then pull it out and throw it in the truck."

The driver does it, then calls his boss back. "I did what you told me," he explains.

"So what’s the problem?" snaps the boss.

The driver replies, "I don't know what to do with his motorcycle."

 

[Space Cataz]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

 

[dascoot]

Haaaaa! :naughty:

 

[Sir_Garland]

:lol:

 

[Bloodlessr]

WTF! :lol:

 

[Space Cataz]

How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey look a bike!

 

[Sir_Garland]

:lol: So true.

 

[Space Cataz]

What's true? :huh:
:zzz:
:woo: Party Time!

 

[Sir_Garland]

exactly.

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by Space Cataz@Nov 7 2005, 10:01 PM
How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey look a bike!

:lol: :lol: :wub:

 

[Donutos]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

 

[Sir_Garland]

*looks around for Fitz* okay all clear

*clears throat* How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins!

 

[Donutos]

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

 

[dascoot]

Hahah gross.

 

[Bloodlessr]

:lol:

 

[AmelieMellow]

ba DUM bum!

sorry, i just posted here so i could have my name across the board for some odd reason. carry on