Joke Thread

[leone]

A vampire bat returns to a cave covered in blood. The other bats hound him until he agrees to bring them to the food, and they all fly off.

After leading the pack for a mile, the first bat suddenly slows down and says, "See that oak tree over there?"

"Yes, yes!" scream the bats.

"That's interesting," says the first one. "Because I fucking didn't."

 

[ledzepgrl]

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

 

[cultclassic]

:lol:

 

[leone]

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.

After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, "More blankets."

Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, "More food."

The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he's drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, "I'm leaving."

"Good," the head monk replies. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

 

[cultclassic]

:lol:
i've heard similar one with three monks:
"i like this porridge"
next year:
"i hate this porridge"
third year:
"i'm tired of this incessant bickering about porridge"

 

[Space Cataz]

Heres my joke:


George Bush

 

[dascoot]

:lol: :woo:

You watching Letterman? He was making fun of how Bush hammers nails, it was pretty funny.

 

[ledzepgrl]

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

 

[Space Cataz]

Actually I don't watch Letterman, I'm a Leno fan. I think Letterman is retarded because of his stupid segments.

 

[dascoot]

:mellow:

 

[Bloodlessr]

Originally posted by Space Cataz@Oct 12 2005, 11:56 AM
Actually I don't watch Letterman, I'm a Leno fan. I think Letterman is retarded because of his stupid segments.

Leno eats pubic hair for breakfast, lunch and diner.

Letterman Forever!!! h34r:

 

[leone]

<_<

 

[dascoot]

:lol: :lol:

 

[Enyone]

he fucking rocks my socks... i :lol: so hard when he was doing the Alias parody

 

[leone]

Originally posted by Enyone@Oct 13 2005, 10:52 AM
i :lol: so hard when he was doing the Alias parody

:lol: :lol: @ the dude's belly hanging out

 

[leone]

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."

"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."

 

[leone]

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

 

[cultclassic]

:lol:

Some quotables from our Sports superheroes:

"I guess I'll just fade into Bolivian"
- Mike Tyson

"I have two weapons- my legs, my arm and my brains"
- Michael Vick

"I'm playing as well as I ever played, except for the years I played better"
- Fred Couples

"It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing that only happens every so often"
- Randy Moss

"If they did, I don't remember it"
- Manny Ramirez, when asked if his team was ever tested for A.D.D

 

[leone]

Originally posted by cultclassic@Oct 18 2005, 07:57 PM
"I have two weapons- my legs, my arm and my brains"
- Michael Vick

:lol: Lets cross that last one off the list. :lol:

 

[dascoot]

:lol: Bolivian..