Joke Thread

[leone]

A duck walked into a hardware store and asked the man behind the counter, "Do you have any gwapes?"

The man replied, "Uh…no." The duck turned around and left.

The next day the same duck came back and asked the same man, "Do you have any gwapes?"

The man, getting quickly irritated, said, "No, we do not have any grapes! And, if you come in here one more time and ask for grapes, I'm gonna staple your feet to the floor!"

The duck quickly waddled out of the store. The next day the duck came back and stepped up to the same man and asked, "Do you have any staples?"

The man shouted, "No!"

Then the duck said, "Do you have any gwapes?"

 

[givemfitz]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Another one of those stupid ones that always makes me laugh. I usually tell it with my Daffy Duck voice.

Edit - Except when I tell it it's in a bar and it's the bartender that he's pissing off. And it's nails instead of staples. Who ever heard of a hardware store being out of either one? :lol: :lol:

 

[leone]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Sep 18 2005, 02:44 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: Another one of those stupid ones that always makes me laugh. I usually tell it with my Daffy Duck voice.

:lol: I picturing you saying ^ that with underwear on your head. :lol:

 

[dascoot]

Hahah!! And "BALLS" written on his forehead in Sharpie cause he went to bed so early last night.

:lol: "Gwapes" is just so cute.

 

[givemfitz]

I was too slippy lass nite

 

[leone]

Originally posted by dascoot@Sep 18 2005, 04:55 PM
And "BALLS" written on his forehead in Sharpie cause he went to bed so early last night.

And other words written with your Magic Pen. :devil:

 

[dascoot]

:naughty:

 

[Scythe]

what does a chicken say when it runs into a post?


tok

 

[givemfitz]

I'm guessing it says, "wipe out porn" cos that what you say when you run into most of our posts. :lol:

 

[leone]

A guy goes to a psychiatrist because he’s having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist askes him a lot of questions, but can’t get a clear read on the problems. Finally he asks, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did once.”

“Well, how did she look?”

“Oh, boy, she looked very angry!”

At this point, the psychiatrist feels he’s really getting somewhere. “Well that’s very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that one time?”

“She was watching us through the window.”

 

[Sir_Garland]

:lol:

 

[leone]

A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams.

“I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife!”

“Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she yells.

“See? You sound just like her.”

 

[leone]

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?”

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”

She screams, “For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!”

 

[Sir_Garland]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an
awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto
pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly
announces.
"Why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.
"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an
iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

 

[Sir_Garland]

I'm sure this has been posted before but these are always funny:

Tech Support


Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it
just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD
player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

===============

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't in serted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates, damn it!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Tech support: SIGH

*******************************************************************

 

[Sir_Garland]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a

woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other

side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with

that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your

hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah?" said the cop,

"What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop

stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum

stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then

work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole

hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I

Slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Traffic Ticket..................................$95.00

Court Costs....................................$45.00

The look on cop's face...........PRICELESS

 

[Sir_Garland]

I can appreciate the humor in this one so I will go ahead and post it against my better judgement. :lol:

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to
lead
the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader
asked the class for an example of a tragedy".



One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a tragedy."


"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call
a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the

room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"



Finally at the back of the room a small boy (Lil Johnny) raised his
hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs.
Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy."



Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?"

"Well," says Lil Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as
hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either."

 

[Scythe]

:lol: awesome

 

[Sir_Garland]

A young boy entered a barber shop, and the barber whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch, while I prove it to you. The barber put a dollar bill in one hand, and two quarters in the other, then called the boy over and
asked, "Which do you want, son?" The boy took the quarters and left.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "Dumb as dirt... the kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer left, he saw the same boy come out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar the game's over!"

 

[Sir_Garland]

Three women
One German, one Japanese and a hillbilly -- were
sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed her forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at
her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm
to her ear. When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile
phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she
decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of
the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of
toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows
and stared at her. The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you
look at that? I'm gettin' a fax!"