Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. she did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk."

"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came today".

 

[givemfitz]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

 

[Sir_Garland]

:lol:

 

[Sir_Garland]

http://media.skoopy.com/misc/minicars/

 

[cultclassic]

Originally posted by Sir_Garland@Sep 3 2005, 02:57 PM
http://media.skoopy.com/misc/minicars/

:lol:

 

[givemfitz]

When I was a kid in Mississippi we had two entrances to our farm. The back gate opened on a dirt road that was seldom used by anyone and there was a large pond just inside of our fence line near the gate. Because the ground near there was always wet we used it for our garden.

One evening my mama told me to go down there and pick the vegetables that were turning ripe so I grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring 'em back in. As I neared the pond, I heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As I came closer I saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in our pond.

I made them aware of my presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the girls shouted at me, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim nekked or make you get out of our pond nekked," I hollered. Holding the bucket up I said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." :naughty:

 

[givemfitz]

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

 

[leone]

Originally posted by Fitz
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim nekked or make you get out of our pond nekked," I hollered. Holding the bucket up I said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

:lol: :lol: Is that a true story?

 

[givemfitz]

Yep. But they didn't believe me about the gator. So I just sat there and tried to wait 'em out with the biggest grin on my face any 12 year old ever had. Mom came down to see what was keeping me and rescued 'em though.

 

[leone]

:lol: Aww preteen perv. :wub: :lol: :lol:

 

[leone]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman, and started canvassing a nearby affluent neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, how much do you want to paint my porch?" he asked.

The blonde, after surveying, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing right there."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had lots of extra paint left over, so I gave it another two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde adds as she purses her earnings, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[leone]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

 

[leone]

A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver’s side.

The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.

The cop replies, "Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where’s my Rolex?!"

 

[givemfitz]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[givemfitz]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

 

[Sir_Garland]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Sep 8 2005, 12:09 PM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

:lol:

 

[givemfitz]

Little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."

 

[givemfitz]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard h is wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 

[givemfitz]

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "is this William Wagenhoss?" with the pronunciation not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling?

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer company or something like that. I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to question him. At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

As I returned to the dinner table, my wife asked me why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but I was very, very happy.

 

[givemfitz]

A couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe.

The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.