Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra. The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately, Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail. So the following week he shows up with his wife. The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient. "Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either.

 

[givemfitz]

An old man marries a young woman, and though they’re in love, the wife can’t achieve an orgasm.

They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, “Hire a strapping young man. While you’re making love, have him wave a towel over your bodies.”

The couple’s desperate, so they hire a male escort to wave a towel. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still can’t get off. Willing to try anything, the husband and the strapping young stallion switch positions.

The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm.

The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!”

 

[leone]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Aug 29 2005, 01:18 PM
The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!”

:lol: :lol:

 

[dascoot]

Bofe those made me LLOL. :lol: :lol:

 

[leone]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

 

[dascoot]

:lol:

 

[givemfitz]

HOLY GRAIL "But he's not dead" "Well he's mostly dead" "No I'm not"

 

[leone]

I thought it was: "Bring out your dead!" "I'm not dead" *clang!*

 

[dascoot]

And I thought it was:

"Bring out your dead!"

"I'm not quite dead yet!"

"You will be soon enough!"

Or am I mixing that up with another movie quote?

 

[givemfitz]

Well it's more than either of us said. I was paraphrasing.

The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead!
[A man puts a body on the cart.]
The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead!
Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.
Collector: That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead!
Collector: What?
Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead!
Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
LM w/ DB: Yes he is.
The DB That CII: I'm not!
Collector: He isn't.
LM w/ DB: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The DB That CII: I'm getting better!
LM w/ DB: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The DB That CII: I don't want to go on the cart!
LM w/ DB: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Collector: I can't take him.
The DB That CII: I feel fine!
LM w/ DB: Oh, do me a favor.
Collector: I can't!
LM w/ DB: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
LM w/ DB: Well, when's your next round?
Collector: Thursday.
The DB That CII: I think I'll go for a walk!
LM w/ DB: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The DB That CII: I feel happy! I feel happy!
[The Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club.]
LM w/ DB: Ah, thank you very much.
Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
LM w/ DB: Right.
:lol:

 

[leone]

Showoff :lol: :lol:

 

[dascoot]

Totally.

 

[givemfitz]

One elderly couple is visiting another for supper. The two women go into the kitchen for a moment, leaving the men to talk.

One of the men says to the other, "The Mrs. and I went to the nicest restaurant last night."

"Is that right?" the other inquires, "What was it called?"

"That's just it," he replies "I can't recall. "Say, what's the name of that red flower that has thorns all over it?"

"A rose?" he responds.

"YEAH, THAT'S IT!" he says energetically.

He then whirls around and yells into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night!?"

 

[givemfitz]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

 

[Magilune]

:lol: :lol:

 

[cultclassic]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Aug 31 2005, 06:19 PM
One elderly couple is visiting another for supper. The two women go into the kitchen for a moment, leaving the men to talk.

One of the men says to the other, "The Mrs. and I went to the nicest restaurant last night."

"Is that right?" the other inquires, "What was it called?"

"That's just it," he replies "I can't recall. "Say, what's the name of that red flower that has thorns all over it?"

"A rose?" he responds.

"YEAH, THAT'S IT!" he says energetically.

He then whirls around and yells into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night!?"

:lol:
I can't imagine how i'd be when i'm old... I'm already 3/4 senile...

My Boss: Ravi, what's that name of the site with configurator for garages?
me: mmmmm.... remember that movie, with the mathematician, who goes nuts and sees things?
B: yeah..... i don't remember the name (atleast he's 50)
Me: who was in it?
B: russel crowe..
Me: which was the movie, with the romans and stuff, he won the oscar...
B: Gladiator?
Me: that's it! the company is called gladiator garage works.....

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by cultclassic@Aug 31 2005, 07:38 PM
:lol:
I can't imagine how i'd be when i'm old... I'm already 3/4 senile...

My Boss: Ravi, what's that name of the site with configurator for garages?
me: mmmmm.... remember that movie, with the mathematician, who goes nuts and sees things?
B: yeah..... i don't remember the name (atleast he's 50)
Me: who was in it?
B: russel crowe..
Me: which was the movie, with the romans and stuff, he won the oscar...
B: Gladiator?
Me: that's it! the company is called gladiator garage works.....

:lol: :lol: That's like a special kinda genious right there. k:

 

[Sir_Garland]

:wub:

 

[Third_Nut]

A kid comes down from his room and asks his mom for dinner. His mom asks if he has done his chores yet and the boy said no. Since he lived on a farm, he had quite a bit of chores to do. So his mom sais "Do you chores or you dont get breakfast."

So the kid stomped away.

So the kid went outside and fed the chicken and in his anger, he kicked the chicken. The kid traveled over to the pig and fed the pig. The kid was even angrier and kicked the pig. So the kid went over to the cow and fed it, then kicked it for one last time.

So the kid is relieved and journeys back inside at the table and awaits breakfast, but only get a bowl of dry cereal. The kid asked why he dosn't get a real breakfast and the mother replies:

"I saw you kicked the Chicken, so you dont get eggs. I saw you kicked the pig so you dont get bacon. I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get milk."

The kids was so mad, he decided not to eat. The kid turned around and saw his dad coming down. On the way down, their cat got in the way and the dad kicked the cat.

The kid turned back aound and said "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[Magilune]

Originally posted by dascoot+Aug 31 2005, 06:13 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (dascoot @ Aug 31 2005, 06:13 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-cultclassic@Aug 31 2005, 07:38 PM
:lol:
I can't imagine how i'd be when i'm old... I'm already 3/4 senile...

My Boss: Ravi, what's that name of the site with configurator for garages?
me: mmmmm.... remember that movie, with the mathematician, who goes nuts and sees things?
B: yeah..... i don't remember the name (atleast he's 50)
Me: who was in it?
B: russel crowe..
Me: which was the movie, with the romans and stuff, he won the oscar...
B: Gladiator?
Me: that's it! the company is called gladiator garage works.....

:lol: :lol: That's like a special kinda genious right there. k: [/b][/quote]
:lol: :lol: :lol: