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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
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Sir_Garland
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:lol: There was this lady that I worked with back when I waited tables and she had to take a leave from work to go pick up her son from college. He apparently flipped out and actually thought he was God. I felt so bad for her because he did have lots of problems but she was telling me once that her and her husband took him to church because they thought that may make him realize that he wasn't actually God. But the plan failed miserably because the preacher said something like, "and please Lord make your presence know to us" (or something along those lines) and no kidding he actually stood up, walked to the front, and said, "I am here my children." He's all back to normal now but I couldn't believe it when she told me that.
:lol:
Sir_Garland
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I know. Very funny but I feel bad for laughing.
Sir_Garland
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These are hilarious. You can insert your favorite college football rivalries in place of what's listed. The two used were already chosen so don't worry, I'm not trying to rag on any specific team I just copied what was already there and am too lazy to change them to like OU vs. OSU or Texas. 
# Q: Why didn't the Nativity occur in Ann Arbor?
A: They couldn't find one virgin and three wise men.
# A Michigan football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.
# Coach Carr, to one of his linemen: "So son, what are you gonna be when you graduate?" Lineman: "Forty-one."
# Q: What's the first thing a UM grad says to an OSU grad?
A: You want fries with that?"
# Q: Do you know what the only sign of intelligent life is in Ann Arbor?
A: A road sign on US 23 South that says "Columbus 192 miles".
# Q: What is a Wolverines idea of foreplay?
A: "Hey Sis, you awake?"
# Q: What does it say on the bottom of a Coke can in Michigan?
A: "Open other end."
# Q: What is the favorite pick-up line in Ann Arbor?
A: Hey, Baby nice tooth!
# A Michigan grad and an OSU grad are standing next to each other while going to the bathroom. The OSU grad begins to walk out of the bathroom without washing his hands. The Michigan grad says, "You know, at Michigan they teach us to wash our hands after we go to the bathroom." The Ohio State grad replies, "That's good, but at Ohio State they teach us not to pee on our hands."
# Q: You know how to get a Michigan alumni off your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
# "Tell me, Old Buck, how did Ohio first discover Ann Arbor?" "Well, son, the first intrepid Buckeye went north until he smelled it, then west 'til he stepped in it."
# Q: What do you do if you run over a wolverine?
A: Back over him to make sure.
# Q: Why do Michigan graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror?
A: To justify their handicapped parking.
# Q: Why don't Michigan teams have ice on the sidelines?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
# Q: How many Michigan freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a second year course.
# The Michigan football team was placed in a remedial English class. The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal," they shouted with pride.
# Q: What does the average Michigan player get on his SAT's?
A: Drool.
# Q: What were the best four years of the average Michigan student's life?
A: Third Grade!
# Q: Why didn't the Nativity occur in Ann Arbor?
A: They couldn't find one virgin and three wise men.
# A Michigan football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.
# Coach Carr, to one of his linemen: "So son, what are you gonna be when you graduate?" Lineman: "Forty-one."
# Q: What's the first thing a UM grad says to an OSU grad?
A: You want fries with that?"
# Q: Do you know what the only sign of intelligent life is in Ann Arbor?
A: A road sign on US 23 South that says "Columbus 192 miles".
# Q: What is a Wolverines idea of foreplay?
A: "Hey Sis, you awake?"
# Q: What does it say on the bottom of a Coke can in Michigan?
A: "Open other end."
# Q: What is the favorite pick-up line in Ann Arbor?
A: Hey, Baby nice tooth!
# A Michigan grad and an OSU grad are standing next to each other while going to the bathroom. The OSU grad begins to walk out of the bathroom without washing his hands. The Michigan grad says, "You know, at Michigan they teach us to wash our hands after we go to the bathroom." The Ohio State grad replies, "That's good, but at Ohio State they teach us not to pee on our hands."
# Q: You know how to get a Michigan alumni off your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
# "Tell me, Old Buck, how did Ohio first discover Ann Arbor?" "Well, son, the first intrepid Buckeye went north until he smelled it, then west 'til he stepped in it."
# Q: What do you do if you run over a wolverine?
A: Back over him to make sure.
# Q: Why do Michigan graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror?
A: To justify their handicapped parking.
# Q: Why don't Michigan teams have ice on the sidelines?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
# Q: How many Michigan freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a second year course.
# The Michigan football team was placed in a remedial English class. The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal," they shouted with pride.
# Q: What does the average Michigan player get on his SAT's?
A: Drool.
# Q: What were the best four years of the average Michigan student's life?
A: Third Grade!
Sir_Garland
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:lol: You crack me up.
givemfitz
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Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her he didn't have a gas can to loan her, sorry.
Sister Mary walked back to her car. She looked in it for something that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to a patient.
Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.''
The attendant told her he didn't have a gas can to loan her, sorry.
Sister Mary walked back to her car. She looked in it for something that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to a patient.
Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.''
Sir_Garland
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:lol: With the cost of case prices now, I would too!
Sir_Garland
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His and her diaries.
Her Diary:
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant andabsent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes Later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we Made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Today the Green Bay Packers lost ,
but at least I got laid .
Her Diary:
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant andabsent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes Later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we Made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Today the Green Bay Packers lost ,
but at least I got laid .
givemfitz
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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"
Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"
Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
givemfitz
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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, that's no problem, how many do you want? The man answered, just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces. That won't do you any good, said the pharmacist. That's all right, continues the old man. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.
Sir_Garland
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:lol:
givemfitz
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OLD JOKE BUT I ALWAYS CHUCKLE AT IT
A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head.
The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"
The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you."
The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, "One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite... And, I said to myself, 'Holy shit! I've caught a whale!'"
"No kidding?" pried the boy.
The geezer continued, "But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..."
"And?" interjected the boy.
"Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?'"
A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head.
The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"
The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you."
The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, "One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite... And, I said to myself, 'Holy shit! I've caught a whale!'"
"No kidding?" pried the boy.
The geezer continued, "But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..."
"And?" interjected the boy.
"Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?'"
givemfitz
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Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.
“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”
The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”
“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”
The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”
cultclassic
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? Why did you shoot the waiter?"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, man, I'm a panda! Look it up in the dictionary!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda, "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? Why did you shoot the waiter?"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, man, I'm a panda! Look it up in the dictionary!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda, "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
