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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
- Start date
You need to cut down on your Conan. Craaaaaaptastic!!!!!! :lol:
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
leone
baby daddy
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A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, "My dad's a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack goes next: "My dad's a doctor. He makes sick people better."
All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter.
The teacher asks him, "What does your dad do?"
Walter replies, "My dad's dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet."
Little Jack goes next: "My dad's a doctor. He makes sick people better."
All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter.
The teacher asks him, "What does your dad do?"
Walter replies, "My dad's dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet."
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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Having reached the age of 65, a friend went to apply for Social security last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, he finally got to the counter. The woman there asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized, to his great dismay, that he had left his wallet on the nightstand in his bedroom. He told the lady that he was very sorry but had left his wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," he said.
At that point, the Social Security clerk said, "Unbutton your shirt."
My friend was confused, but he opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and, with that, she promptly processed his application.
When my friend got home, he couldn't wait to tell his wife about his experience at the Social Security Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have dropped your pants ... you might have gotten disability, too!"
He looked in his pockets and realized, to his great dismay, that he had left his wallet on the nightstand in his bedroom. He told the lady that he was very sorry but had left his wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," he said.
At that point, the Social Security clerk said, "Unbutton your shirt."
My friend was confused, but he opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and, with that, she promptly processed his application.
When my friend got home, he couldn't wait to tell his wife about his experience at the Social Security Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have dropped your pants ... you might have gotten disability, too!"
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand; a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs..Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones! , do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge motioned both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said; "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
He approached her and asked, "Mrs..Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones! , do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge motioned both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said; "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Sir_Garland
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I've heard the Guinness one before but it still makes me laugh every time. 
