Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

CLICK <_<

 

[givemfitz]

Ehhhh. FUCK TERRORISTS!!!!!!



A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom." "So please, for both of our sakes, follow your own advice."

 

[givemfitz]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

 

[leone]

A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

"No," she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. "It must be blue."
When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost.

He said, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads."

 

[givemfitz]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced.

Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 

[givemfitz]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

[leone]

A woman holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver looks at them and says, "Damn, That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff the woman slams her money into the farebox and goes to the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sees she's agitated and asks what’s wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumes.

"That's outrageous!" says the man. "He's a public servant and shouldn't be insulting passengers."

"You're right!" the woman says. "I think I'll go up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," says the man. "I'll hold your monkey."

 

[leone]

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces."

The attorney asked, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer replied, "Yeah. I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No, sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney asked, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her!"

 

[givemfitz]

A guy walks into the psychologist's office wearing only shorts made from Saran wrap. The psychologist looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

 

[givemfitz]

Crazy Christmas Carols

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Offices and
towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..............

 

[leone]

:lol: :lol: :lol: That reminds me of this away message:


I am not here at the moment. However, if you would like to be transfered to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:

---If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" twenty-three times, delete the 3rd, 6th, and 18th one, and wash your hands.
---If you are codependant, please remove your head from the ass of the person next to you and ask them to press "2".
---If you have multiple personalitites, negotiate with the others over whether to press 3, 4, or 5
---If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just keep the IM open so we can trace your line.
---If you are manic depressive, press anything, no one will answer anyway.

 

[givemfitz]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

 

[givemfitz]

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

 

[leone]

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are in a bar when the bartender tells them about a magic mirror in the ladies’ room. "Apparently," he says, "the mirror gives rewards if you stare into it and say something true. But if you lie, you’re sucked into the mirror and never heard from again."

So the redhead heads to the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in this bar." A million dollars suddenly appears before her.

Then the brunette heads into the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the smartest woman in this bar." The key to a new Ferrari materializes in her fingers.

Then the blonde goes in, looks into the mirror, and begins, "I think..." And she's sucked in and never heard from again.

 

[leone]

A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.
While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

 

[givemfitz]

A crowded airline flight was canceled. A single agent was trying to do her best to rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on flight 409 and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent looked at him and said "I am sorry, sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He loudly enough that all the passengers in line could hear "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

[givemfitz]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 200 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

 

[givemfitz]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

 

[givemfitz]

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"