Joke Thread

[Scythe]

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in
copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all
of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made
even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We have been
copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son".

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and
goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall.
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" In
a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not celibate!"

 

[Scythe]

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Dave, replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked James.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to George, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to andy , the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

andy replied, "After hearing the 3 previous answers, it's obvious to me that the faster thing known is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain sir." said andy. "You see sir, last night, I wasn't feeling so good and I ran so fast to the comfort room. But, before I count THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, darn! I already crap my pants."

andy is now working at Wal-Mart.





ps; any similarities with members of adtunes are probably a coincidence

 

[Scythe]

Constantine was a businessman, and on one of his business trip he had to pass by a certain mountain. Unfortunately, he came across ill wheather that had him stranded with no place to go but an old monastery. He knocked on the great wooden door of the monastery. And the kind monks were gracious enough to offer him lodging for the night.

That night, in his room, he heard a very strange sound coming from the next room. It wasn't a scary sound but it sure peaked his interest. When morning came and time to go, he asked the head monk about the sound. And the head monk replied, "I'm sorry I cannot tell because you are not a monk." So Constantine went on his way.

One year later, he yet again on another business trip to the same area. And for some strange twist of fate was stranded and force to seek refuge at the same monastery. He was again given the room he spend a night one year ago. Again, the strange sound brought his curiosity to the max. When morning came, he approached the head monk and inquire about the sound. Again he was told, "I'm sorry I cannot tell because you are not a monk."

To this reply, Constantine ask the head monk how he can become a monk. So the head monk showed him a list of mountains. And told him that in order to be allowed to become a monk of that monastery, he must choose 5 mountains from the list and count the number of trees growing in those mountains. Because of his curiosity, Constantine undertook the task.

After several month of counting trees, Constantine finally reported to the head monk for the results. So to speak, he had passed, and was initiated as a monk of that monastery.

That night, the head monk and several ranking monks accompanied him to the room where the strange sound have emitted. And before them was a massive wooden brown door. He was given a key to open the wooden brown door. And behold, a great wooden black door stood before them. He was again given a key to unlock this door. Next stood a great wooden white door, then a door made of lead, then a door made of iron, then a door made of bronze, then a door made of silver, then a door made of gold. For each door, Constantine was given a key to unlock. Finally, after opening the door of gold, there stood a magnificent chest encrusted with pearls the size of a fist. He was again given a key to open the chest. Then a chest with sapphires, then a chest with rubies, then a chest with emeralds, then a chest with garnets, and for each chest, he was given a key to unlock them. Finally, he stood in front of a chest encrusted with diamonds. With the key in his hands, Constantine trembles as he can hear the strange sound getting louder. Then he opens the diamond chest. He stood before the source of this strange sound, so incredible and magnificent was the sight that he fell down on his knees and wept like he had never wept before.....he saw...(sorry i cant tell you because you're not a monk )

 

[Scythe]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him," Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! " The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars... but Realistically,... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

 

[Scythe]

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

 

[Scythe]

http://www.keegan.org/jeff/humor/starwarsd...inkinggame.html

 

[Scythe]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their a**es!

5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumba**?

 

[Scythe]

There was a lady who was just not physically blessed. And everyday, she passed by a house with a parrot on the window. And everyday this would happen:

parrot: Hey lady! Hey lady!
lady: What?!?
parrot: You are ugly! You are ugly!

After several months of being ridiculed by a bird, the lady finally barged into the house and right in front of the parrot, threatened to sue the owner if the parrot doesn't stop ridiculing her. To this, the owner promised to teach the bird a lesson.

The very next day, as the lady passed by the window, this happened:

parrot: Hey lady! Hey lady!
lady: What?!?
parrot: You already know! You already know!

 

[Scythe]

A cop stops a woman for speeding. Hee looks at her drivers license, then says, "Your license says you need to wear glasses"

She says "but officer -- I have contacts"

The officer replies, "I don't care who your friends are ... you need to wear glasses."

 

[Scythe]

A man's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[Scythe]

Little Tommy was struggling to pass maths. He wasn't very interested in the subject, so he didn't really dedicate it the time he perhaps should, and therefore he always did poorly.

His parents had tried different methodologies and had sent him to different schools. He had done grinds on summer and no luck. As a final attempt to make his child pass maths with good grades, his parents decided to send him to a Catholic school run by priests. This was an act born out of desperation, as both parents were atheists.

The very first day, Tommy came back from school, and without a word he went up to his room and started studying maths. He later came down for dinner, then went up again and studied maths until he fell asleep.

The parents were astonished, and even more when Tommy's mid term grades came. He had the highest mark in the class, and his work had even been praised by his teacher. Baffled, the parents went to his son's room and asked him about what had caused the change.

'Well' said Tommy, 'when I first entered the class and saw that guy nailed to the "plus" sign, I knew they didn't take failure lightly...'

 

[Scythe]

http://ep09.pld-linux.org/~mmazur/funny/goan.jpg

 

[Scythe]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son, Johnny, comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that Johnny is in there already.


Johnny says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Johnny - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Johnny - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Johnny - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Johnny - "$150"
Man - "Sold."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that Johnny and the lover are in the closet together.


Johnny - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Johnny - "I have a Wilson fielder’s glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks Johnny, "How much?"
Johnny- "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."


A few days later, the father says to Johnny, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.
Johnny says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove. "The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Johnny -"$500” The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes Johnny sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. Johnny says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that bull s*** again, you're in my closet now."

 

[givemfitz]

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

 

[dascoot]

:lol: :lol: :lol: I know I've heard that before somewhere but it still caught be off guard. :lol: :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

 

[leone]

:lol:

 

[leone]

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

 

[givemfitz]

A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.

I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.

 

[givemfitz]

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."