Joke Thread

[Scythe]

Life before computers:

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3½ inch floppy ... you just hoped nobody ever found out!

 

[Scythe]

gross but i dont care...ban me.....(please dont )

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea" He went next door to the butchers shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me"
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it, Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money". Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan.....
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth"
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm pi*sed and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub"

 

[Scythe]

How America Works
Let's see if I understand how America works lately... If a woman burns her thighs on a hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teenage son kills himself, you blame rock and roll music or the musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs of cigarettes a day for forty years and you die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco companies.

If your teenage daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes his car into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean needles.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world anymore, so if I die while I am parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates. Ok?

 

[Scythe]

Three men and a woman are sitting at a bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says: "I'd describe myself as a Y.U.P.P.I.E. -- you know ... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The next chap says: "Oh, I'm a D.I.N.K. -- Double Income, No Kids."

The third bloke says: "Well I'm a R.U.B. -- Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask: "What are you?"

She replies, "I'm a W.I.F.E. -- Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

(no offence intended, of course)

 

[Scythe]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other
possibility.

As part of her negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in
plan that would be known as 'Euro English'.

In the first year 'S' will replace the soft 'C'. Sertainly, this will make
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'C' will be replaced with the 'K'.
This should klear up Konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome 'PH' will be replaced with 'F'. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government
will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always been a
deterant to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the
silent 'e' in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'TH' with
'Z' and 'W' with 'V'.

During ze fifz yar, ze uneseary 'O' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'OU'
and similar changs vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yar, ve vi hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubls or difikutlis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.


ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!



edit for spelling, believe it or not

 

[Scythe]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both
manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In
the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother
you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me
another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye,says, "I've
got a better idea... ....let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles
the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your own f**king blanket."

 

[Scythe]

this one kept me laughing for 2 straight hours:

David Hasslehoff walks into a bar. The barman greets him.

"Good Evening, sir." he says.

"Call me Mr Hoff." David replies.

"Sure David, no hassle."

 

[Scythe]

The teacher asked her fifth grade class to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it as an assignment. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Michael says, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess".
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
" Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sarah raised her hand and says, "Our family are farmers,too,but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah , so Ashley, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Christine who was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bale out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky,a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break,and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunty Christine when she's been drinking!"

 

[Scythe]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When thee bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

 

[Scythe]

A wife came home one day to find a letter saying the following:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with
your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I
value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with
my 18-year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining
room
Table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like
to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this,
I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like
your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and
with your excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are
in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes
into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

 

[Scythe]

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have
to
find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in
a
chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we
met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too
late
to hit the delete button. Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant
message saying that her operating system was showing signs of
unauthorized
program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself
in
her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
'You've
Got Male'!"

 

[Scythe]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN...

Nicknames
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out to lunch, they will call each other Laura,Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-bead and punchy.

Eating out
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, even though its only £62. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they really want their change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the calculators.

Pubs
Women leave pubs when they have had one or two glasses of wine and are starting to get bored.
Men leave pubs when they are carried out/thrown out! arrested/can't walk or talk or have run out of money.

Pubtalk
Women gossip about neighbours, shopping, sex, houses etc in the pub.
Men talk bollocks in the pub (only in the pub?).

Money
A man will pay £20 for a £10 item he wants.
A woman will pay £10 for a £20 item that she does not want

Bathrooms
A man has six item in the bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would be unable to identify most of these items.

Phones
A man uses a telephone to arrange to meet friends, so they can have a long chat over a pint.
A woman uses the phone to have a long chat with someone she sees every day.

Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats
Women love cats
Men say they love cats, but when women are't looking, men kick cats.

Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Lovemaking
A woman will sleep with a man when she has formed a strong emotional bond with her partner.
A man will sleep with any woman who is up to it.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the dustbins, answer the phone, read a book and get the papers. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Mornings
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring: Ah, Children!
A women knows all about her children. She knows their dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

[Scythe]

The small charter airplane is crashing, and the pilot comes into the cabin to talk with the three passengers.

"I will go down with the plane, but sadly, there are only two parachutes, so one of you passengers will have to die with me."

The passengers muse for a while, and then decide to let the captain decide, so he does so by asking them questions:

"Name the famous cruise ship that sank in the North Atlantic in 1912." he asks the first passenger.

"The Titanic." comes the reply from the first passenger.

"Good. How many people died?" the pilot asks the second passenger.

"897." replies the second passenger.

By this time, they're pretty close to crashing, so the pilot asks the third fellow:

"What were their names?"

 

[Scythe]

Have you heard the Bush version? I dont remember if it has been posted here before:

George Bush, a priest and a school going kid are in a small charter airplane. The airplane is crashing, and the pilot comes into the cabin to talk with the three passengers.

"The plane is going downand I am not going to let my life end like this. There are only three parachutes and I am taking one, so one of you passengers will have to die."
He straps on the parachute and jumps.

George Bush hurries over to where he sees a bag, grabs it and says: "I am the President of the most powerful nation on Earth and the gaurdian of peace, justice and democracy on Earth. My job is very important so I will take the parachute and jump."
He straps it on and jumps.

The old cleric looks at the child and says: "I have lived my life for others and will go to my maker in peace. You have your whole life in front of you and should take the remaining parachute and jump to safety."

Th kid says: "You dont have to worry about that father. The President of the most powerful nation on Earth just jumped with my school bag."

 

[Scythe]

Q: What does a Blonde say in the morning?
A: "Are you guys all on the same team?"

Q: How does a Blonde turn on the lights after sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How do you know a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: Whiteout on the screen.

Q: How do you know a Redhead's been using your computer?
A: There's a gaping hole in the monitor where her fist went through.

Q: What is the International Blonde Mating Call?
A: "I am SOOOO drunk!"

Q: What is the International Brunette Mating Call?
A: Are those blonde b*****s gone yet?

That's all I can remember for now, apologies to the intelligent blondes out there

 

[Scythe]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass.

You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing........
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you...!!"

 

[Scythe]

1id you hear that they had to stop the lepers' hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.

2: While eating a clown, the one cannibal turned to the other and said "does this taste funny to you?"

3: Once upon a time, a man walked into the South American Jungle looking for treasure. He hiked for days until he was captured by some really vicious tribesmen.

"You have violated our lands -- you have two choices, intruder -- Death, or Boola-Boola."

Figuring that anything is preferable to death, the man chose Boola-Boola. It turns out that this punishment consists of being buggered by 20 tribesmen in a row. Needless to say, the man was not a happy camper after the ordeal. They tied him to a tentpole and only threw him scraps of food for the next week. He finally escaped.

Sadly, the man was weakened by his stay in the village, and they caught him again. This is what the chief had to say:

"You will not be permitted to return to your people and reveal our location. Your insolence in escaping merits punishment. You may choose between death and Boola-Boola."

Well, knowing now what Boola Boola entailed, the man thought long and hard (pardon the pun). He finally decided to stay alive, and once again suffered the depravity of his captors.

Not wanting to spend the rest of his life eating scraps (although, to be fair to the tribesmen, no one paid him any amorous attention during his captivity) the man once again escaped. He nearly made it to a river when he was captured by a hunting party and brought back to the village.

"You are a foolish man, one who continues to insult our intelligence and our ways. You will again be punished. Choose!" says the chief.

The man decides that death is preferable to the alternative, and so in despair says "Kill me now!"

"Fine," says the chief. "You are sentenced to death -- by Boola-Boola!

 

[Scythe]

A man goes to a fancy dress party, where he is met by several people dressed in all inds of costumes: Roman togas, knights in armour, nuns, monks etc.

He is wearing nothing but a pair of y-fronts.
"What are you supposed to be?" Asked a Nun.
"A premature ejaculation." He confidently replied.
"What?"
"I've just come in my pants."

 

[Scythe]

A man in Barcelona is looking for the cheapest english school he can find, he has no money; he found one in a newspaper advertising so there he goes; he gets there, he knocks the door and open it, he steps inside and found a guy so he asks: is this the cheapest english school in Barcelona as you adevertises in the newspaper?, the other guy says:
if, if; between, between...

For people who doesn't understand: 'if' means 'si', like 'yes', 'between' means 'entre' like 'come in'; we use the same words but with different meaning: 'if' you are going out... 'si' sales...
do you like it? 'yes'.. te gusta? 'si'
this is 'between' you and me... esto es 'entre' tu y yo...
'come in'... 'entre'

 

[Scythe]

A kindergarten teahcer is teaching her class to identify different flavours. She does this by giving out Life Savers and asking for the children to tell what flavor they are. The class has no problem with the red (cherry), the green (lime) and the yellow (lemon). Seeing this, the teacher decides to give them something a little more difficult, so she gives the class honey flavoured Life Savers. After a few moments, none of the children has shouted out the answer, so the teacher gives them a hint.

"Class, this flavour might be something that your mommy probably calls your daddy."

Immediately, a little girl in the back spits her Life Saver out and shouts to the rest of the class.

"Everyone spit them out, quick! They're a**holes!"