Joke Thread

[Scythe]

Mike is in a plane flying over a forest region in the wilderness. The plane runs into a flock of geese and crashes. Mike survives but the pilot is dead.

Mike then wanders for three days and three nights, completely lost he doesn't know if he can go on when he sees a bit of smoke, like form a campfire or a chimney. He Heads towards it and finds a lodge. He walks up to and finds a man in his 50s outside. Mike says to him, "Sir, I've been wandering the wilderness for three days and three nights, might I be able to saty at here for the night?"

The man replies, "Of course of course. As long as you refrain from having sex with my daughter, or else you'll regret it."

After three days and three night in the woods Mike would surely be able to resist and says, "Sure, I'll be able to do that."

That evening at supper Mike sees the man's daughter for the first time. She is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, perfect in every way, he just can't pass up this once in a lifetime opportunity. Dinner goes on without further event.

That night they have sex, quietly and there are no signs that the farther noticed.

The next morning Mike wakes up alone with a large flat rock on his check. Puzzled, Mike decides to throw the rock out the window, when he notices a note on the wall that says 'Right Testicle Tied to rock'. Desperately, Mike dives out the window
after the rock. On the way down, Mike sees another note on the wall that reads 'Left Testicle Tied to Bedpost'.

Ouch.

 

[Scythe]

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say " Eat me".

12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God".

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[Scythe]

Okay my turn.

A frenchman, an american and an englishman are shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

The chief of this tribe tells the men that they will be eaten but that their skins will be used to make a canoe as it takes three human skins to make one.

Being in a great mood since he's about to get a new canoe the chief tells the men that he will allow them to choose the way that they will die.

Being the first man chosen the Englishman asks for a saber, screams "Long live the queen and runs himself through. He is taken away skinned and thrown into a huge kettle.

Next came the Frenchman. He asks for a pistol, screams "God save the king" and blows his brains out. He is taken away skinned and thrown into a huge kettle.

Finally comes the American. He ponders for a while and finally asks for a fork. The cannibals are all baffled but give him a fork. Raising the fork the American yells "F*ck your canoe" and proceeds to stab himself to death.

 

[Scythe]

"Honey, what would you do if I died," asks the wife.

"Well, it would make me very sad," replies the husband, "Why are you asking?"

"Would you marry again?"

"Of course not."

"Married life doesn't make you happy?" asks the wife.

"Of course it does."

"So why would you not marry again?"

"OK, OK. I would."

"Really?" says the wife, gravely hurt.

"Yes," replies the husband.

"And you would sleep with her in our bed?"

"Yes, well, that's what I think."

"Ah, I see," says the woman meaningfully, "Would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"If she wanted, why not."

"Ah, yes," says the woman coolly

"And would you remove my photos from the wall and replace them with hers?"

"That's probably what one ought to do."

"Oh, really? And you would probably let her play golf with my sticks?"

"But of course not, honey," says the husband, "She's left-handed."

 

[Scythe]

for the nerds.....

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street,when one stops and says "Oh no...my electron...my electron...I've lost my electron..."
The other one asks "Are you really sure you've lost it?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

 

[Scythe]

After the Second World War, representatives of the American, British and Russian armies meet on a battleship. The American general says "This war could not have been won without the courage of the American soldier." He turns to one of his men and says "Johnson! Jump off and swim round the ship!" The soldier does as he is told, and is hauled back aboard soaking wet and shivering. "See," says the general, "That is how brave American soldiers are."
Not to be outdone, the Russian general turns to one of his men and says "Ivanovich! Swim UNDER the ship." The Russian does so, and is hauled aboard soaking wet, shivering, and gasping for breath. "See," says the Russian general, "You cannot say that Russians are not brave."
"Ha," says the British general, You haven't seen anything yet. McEwan! Do what the American did, and what the Russian did!" The soldier replies "You must be mad, you big idiot! Why don't you do it yourself?"

"See," says the British General, "Now, that's courage."

 

[Scythe]

There's an American, a Frenchman, and a Newfy; all of which are trying to get into the Navy. After months of hard training and hardships they make it to the final test. The three now walk into a room a to meet with their superior for that final test.

The superior says, "Congradualtions men for making this far. If you succeed this final test, then you will become members of the Navy, if not, then all your work will have been in vain. Now, the final test is; you must take this gun, go downstairs and shoot your wife to show your loyalty for this country."

He then hands the American the gun, who goes downstairs. After ten minutes he comes back upstairs crying and says, "Sorry, I just can't do it." and leaves.

The superior then hands the Frenchman the gun, who goes downstairs. After ten minutes he also comes back upstairs crying and says, "Sorry, I just can't do it." and leaves.

The superior then hands the Newfy the gun, who goes downstairs. The superior then hears a scream and three gun shots, which is then followed by lots of crashing and thrashing noises. Finally the Newfy comes back up the stairs with his clothed all out of place.
The superior says, "What the he** happened down there?"

The Newfy then replies, "The gun only had blanks so I had to strangle the the b**ch"

 

[Scythe]

Funny word winners

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature…

Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an ass****.

 

[Scythe]

Originally posted by leone@Jul 11 2005, 11:56 PM
:blink: :blink: Someone get the tranquiller darts. Scythe got his hands on the caffeine again.

it's sugar, sugar

 

[Scythe]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter."

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called
her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After
hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When
the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're and *******!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying
bills or having a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an
*******!" It always cheered me up. When caller ID came to the area, I
thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone
Company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had
his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
*******,too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34 Street. It's a yellow house, and the
car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an *******!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to
call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.

"Hello."

"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*******, I live at 1802 West 34 Street, a yellow house, with a black
Beamer parked in the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, *******," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 1802 West 34 Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34 Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34 Street. There I saw
two *******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad
cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

 

[Scythe]

Biology seminar, university.

Professor: Oxitocine regulates orgasm...
Female student, interrupting: Where can you buy that?



Maths lesson, highschool.

Teacher: Stop thinking, do the exercise.



Physical education, higschool, girl group. Coloured sashes are used to mark teams.

Teacher: How to divide you so you could play without tops... err... without sashes...




Invertebrate zoology, university.

Professor (aged 70, dead-serious): Turbellarian worms of the multipeniata species have multiple copulation apparati, which probably makes many of you envious. But I must warn you that after each copulation one apparatus falls off. Just think, the parents could control you better...

 

[Scythe]

5 Secrets to a perfect relationship...

1. It's important to have a woman who will like your friends and accepts you as you are

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

 

[Scythe]

A young school inspector comes to little Ivan's class to see how the students are doing and starts teaching. However, he seems to dislike the regular teacher and decides to embarass her a bit by asking a question that the students won't be able to answer.
"Alright, class, one last question and you're free. My neighbor, who's 41, has a cat. My other neighbor is 62 and she has a canary. The person living directly above me is 33 and he has a german shepherd. Finally, I used to have a hamster. Could anyone tell me how old I am?"
The class is dumbstruck. In a few seconds even the regular nerds are looking ready to give up. Then, suddenly, one hand shoots up.
"Yes?"
"I think you are 28, sir.," little Ivan says.
"That is correct! But how did you know, boy?"
"Well, I am 14 and everyone says I'm a half-idiot."

 

[Scythe]

A guy goes to his doctor and says,
"Doc, I have a problem."

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."

"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

 

[Scythe]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says in horror "Fuuuuuuuuuu*******K duuuude.......how much water did you drink!?!?

 

[Scythe]

The Amazing Goldstein (long joke)
------------------------------------
A travelling journalist is compiling an account of his journey through Europe, and along the way, finds time to attend a local carnival. He enters the big top tent after reading the banner atop it, which loudly proclaims "See the Amazing Goldstein!".

After about an hour of the show, the MC gets on the mic - "And now, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for... the AMAZING GOLDSTEIN!" The crowd goes wild as two stage hands carry a table out to the stage and place three walnuts on it. Behind them, the curtain parts and out shuffles an elderly Jewish man; the Amazing Goldstein. The journalist doesn't know what to make of this. Suddenly, Goldstein unzips his pants and pulls out the largest sexual organ the journalist has ever seen, before quickly whipping it up and down three times, pulverising the walnuts on the table.

The crowd goes crazy, and the journalist makes a note of it - he's never seen anything like it. He goes home, releases his book and talks about it on a few talk shows. Ten years later, the journalist is on long service leave and decides to go for another trip. Sure enough, he finds a carnival which features the Amazing Goldstein. The journalist is amazed - Goldstein must be ancient by now. The show is the same as before, only this time Goldstein has coconuts instead of walnuts, and his third strike breaks the table as well. Amazed, the journalist speaks to the circus manager and asks if he can interview Goldstein. The manager agrees.

Backstage, the journalist catches up with Goldstein and asks him, "When I saw your show ten years ago, you were breaking walnuts. Now you're shattering tables and coconuts as well! Why the change?"

Goldstein blinks twice and smiles.

"Well, sonny... my eyes ain't what they used ta be..."

 

[Scythe]

An Elf walks into a pub and clears his voice to the crowd of dwarven drinkers. He says, "I hear you dwarves are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 gold to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of extra stout back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the elf's offer. One dwarf even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same dwarf who left shows back up and taps the elf on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the dwarf.

The elf says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of extra stout. Immediately the dwarf tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the elf sits in amazement. The elf gives the dwarf the 500 gold and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The dwarf replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

 

[Scythe]

NEVER SAY TO A COP
> 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
>
> 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
>
> 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
>
> 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
>
>
> 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
>
> 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
>
> 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
>
> 8. I pay your salary!
>
> 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
>
>
> 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
>
>
> 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
>
> 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

[Scythe]

Final Exams


The blonde reported for her university
final examination that
consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her
seat in the examination
hall, stares at the question paper for five
minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and
starts tossing the coin
and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and
"No" for Tails Within half
an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the
class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen
desperately throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches her and asks
what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an
hour, but I'm rechecking
my answers."

 

[Scythe]

An elf is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a dwarf. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the elf doesn't get uncomfortable until the dwarf drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the dwarf, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the elf thanks the dwarf and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the elf is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The dwarf reaches out, gets a tight grip on the elf's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your platinum or I'll jump off the ladder!"