Joke Thread

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle."
Arriba!!!!
 
Two priests died at the same time and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, until a computer tech dies, and actually comes to heaven...but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Canada."
 
In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on
hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on
the first evening.

The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of
Miller said, "The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!"

The president of Budweiser asked for "The King of Beers, make it a
Bud!".

Adolph Coors requested a "From mountain spring water, the clearest
beer, a Coors if you don't mind."

And so it went around the large table, each president asking for
the brew from his own company as if it was the best.

Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.

"And you sir?" he queried.

"I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply.

"A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked.

"Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?"

Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions.
"Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!"
 
Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy
hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that the shots were so bad that they'd just meet up at the
hole.

So the first guy looks and looks and finally finds his ball sitting
down
deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups.

He promptly pulls out his 7 iron and starts whacking away. Buttercups
are
flying everywhere but the ball won't come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature gets mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man "I've created this
beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all,
now
they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are
Buttercups
your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year".

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find
so funny?"

The man looked up and said "My buddy is over on the other side in the
*****willows."
 
A little boy and a little girl were playing in the sandbox at the park. The little girl looked down the little boy's pants and asked, "What's that?"

To which the little boy responded "I dunno." So the little boy looked down the little girl's pants and asked, "Well what's that?"

"I dunno." replied the little girl. So they both went off to their seperate homes.

The little girl went to her mother and asked, "Mommy, what's this?"

The mother looked at her daughter very seriously and said, "Honey, that is your garage, and you never, ever want to let any cars park in there.

"Oh. Okay." said the little girl as she walked away.

At the little boy's house, the little boy asked his father a similar question. "Daddy, what's this?"

To which the father responded with a knowing chuckle, "Now son, that is your car, and you want to park that in as many garages as you can."

"Oh. Okay." said the little boy as he walked away.

The next day the little boy and the little girl were at the park playing in the sandbox again. After a little while, the girl came running home screaming, "Mommy mommy!"

The mother rushed out of the house and grabbed her daughter, "What is it honey? What's wrong?"

"A little boy at the park tried to park his car in my garage and I ripped of his two rear wheels!"
 
A duck walks into a bar, asks the bartender, "Gotcorn?". He replies casually, "No I ain't got corn". "Oh!" says the duck, and walks out.

Five minuts later the duck returns. "Gotcorn?". "No I already told you, I've ain't got corn", the bartender replies, slightly annoyed. "Oh!", says the duck and walks out.

Five minnuts later, the same thing, "Gotcorn?", and the bartender replies, "I'VE AIN'T GOT CORN AND IF YOU ASK FOR IT ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!!!". "Oh!" says the duck and walks out.

It returns however within the same timeframe. "Gotnails?", "NO!!", "Gotcorn?".
 
An old man and his wife have gone to bed,after laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says "one nil"....his wife rolls over says "what in the world was that?" the old man replies fart football!
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says "goal, one all" after about 5 minutes the old man farts again and says "goal, two-one" not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says "goal,two-all" five seconds go by and she lets out another and says "goal,three-two" now the pressure is on,the old man refused to be beaten by a woman,so he strains real hard but to no avail,realising defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got but instead sh*ts the bed,the wife looks and says "what in Gods name was that?" the old man replies "half time,switch sides"
 
Two guys are playing golf one weekend and playing well when they notice a few holes ahead are two women playing somewhat slower than they are.
Eventually the men have almost caught up to the women and are just finishing on their hole as the women head to the next one.
So one guy says to the other "I'll just duck up and see if they mind letting us play through, I'll be back in a sec"
So the guy gets about halfway before he turns around and comes back. Then he says "You won't believe this mate, one of those women up there is my wife and the other's my mistress! Could you go ask if we can play through?"
"Sure mate" was the other guys reply. So the second guy starts wlking and gets about halfway himself before coming back and saying "You're not going to believe this mate..."
 
-A guy has a dream in which he's Asian. He wakes up disoriented.

-What's red, green and goes 300 RPM?

A frog in a blender.
 
A guy walks into a bar and asks for six wiskey's.
The bartender pours up six wiskey's, and asks why.

"I've just found my uncles gay"
Fair enough the bartender thinks.

Next day the guy asks for the same thing.
The bartender amazed pours up six wiskey's, and asks why?
"I've just found my brothers gay"

When the guy asks for the same thing the next day,
The bartender pours up six wiskey's, and asks "for god's sake isn't there anyone in your family who likes women?"

The guy empty's the drinks, looks at the bartender and replies "Yes, my wife".
 
A man goes up to his son and says :
"Son, I want you to marry the girl I choose for you." The son looks shocked and replies
"But father, I want to marry for love. I will choose my own wife." the man looks annoyed but replies
"I want you to marry Bill Gates daughter." The son thinks for a while and replies
"Well... in that case..."

The same man then goes and finds Bill Gates
"Sir, I would like to offer a husband for your daughter." Gates looks rather annoyed.
"I'm not having just anyone marry my daughter." the man smiles and replies
"But this man is vice president to a bank." Gates thinks for a while and replies
"Well... in that case..."

Next this man goes into a bank and asks to see the manager, he goes up to him and says:
"I have a perfect candidate for vice president of your bank." The bank manager sighs
"A lot of people say that, but I have enough for now. And enough offers." the man nods but still says
"But this man is Bill Gates son in law."
"Well... in that case..."

And that is how business is done.
 
I couldn't resist, sorry.

There once lived a very powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was
searching for the best one. All candidates were to report to the palace in one year. The year passed, and on the appointed day, only 3 people showed up for the trials:

....a Japanese Samurai

....a Chinese Samurai

....and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the new chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee.
Whoosh! went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "This is impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly.
Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed in awe: "That is really VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and repeated the same challenge. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!
....
But the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill".
 
1)A man died and woke up on a cloud. He looks around, marvelling at the scenery below and around him, then notices the Pearly Gates up in the distance. Between them is a massive, coiling line of clouds packed with millions of people. He gets up and asks a man standing next to him, wearing the regalia of a bishop, what's going on. "They're adjudicating on a matter of protocol." the bishop replies. They stood there for ages, although time does not pass normally in Heaven, untill a great commotion arose and the Gates finally opened. "What was that all about?" the man asked the bishop, who doesn't appear to have heard him, but turns to the man and yells: "Hurrah! We're in! F*****g doesnn't count!"

2) An atheist was going for a walk on a hillside when he tripped. He rolled, fell, and went over a cliff edge, just managing to grab a shrub growing out of the side of the chasm. "HELP!" he yelled. "Is anyone there? Help!"
And the clouds parted, a shaft of light shot down and illuminated the atheist, and behold, a mighty voice replied. "I am here for you, my son. Trust in me. Let go the shrub." "Let go the shrub." the voice repeated.
The atheist hung there for a long moment, then yelled "Is anyone ELSE there?!"

3) A man was standing in a bathroom at the urinal, when another man walked in. Without turning his head, the newcomer asked "Excuse me, would I be right in supposing you are Jewish?" The man was startled, as he was not wearing any distinguishing religous clothing. "Yes, I am." he told the stranger. "And you are about 54 years old?" continued the stranger. "Also correct. How do you know this?" replied the man. The newcomer ignored him, and continued "And at your circumcision you were cut by Rabbi Finklebaum?" The man was shocked. "How do you know this?!" he said. And the stranger told him, "Because Rabbi Finklebaum always cut with a left bias, my friend, and YOU are urinating on my boots."

A man, wearing a massive sombero, walks into a bar in Mexico, sits down on a bar stool, and orders a tequila. The man next to him says "That's a big coincidence. I am drinking the same brand of tequila as you, and I am also wearing a big sombrero, much the same as yours." "Yes, what a strange coincidence!" replies the man. "Tell me about yourself" he says. "Well, I'm from a little village in the mountains." he tells the man "That's another concidence! I'm from that region myself!"" replies the other man. "My father was a herder.." and the second man interrupts him. "Wow, so was mine! Sadly, my father was shot.." "Oh my god!! So was mine. Shot by the Gringos." "WHAT?! THat's EXACTLY what hapened to my father." By then the bartender turned to another drinker and says, "Looks like a long night. It always is when the Pedro brothers come to town."
 
A man whose divorce case has just gone through is walking along a beach. He has lost just about everything he owns, including his home, and is somewhat relieved that he doesn't have kids. Thankfully, going to the beach is still free. While pondering his misfortunes (and certain that his ex-wife's lawyer has shafted him), he trips over a bulge in the sand. He gets up and digs up the obstruction, which turns out to be a brass lamp. Clearing the grit off the side by rubbing it, the man releases a genie. The genie stretches his arms and legs, then looks the man up and down.

"Three wishes, pal. You know the drill."

The man makes his three wishes: enough wealth to last a dozen lifetimes, a fantastic mansion located within view of his old house, and for an endless stream of gorgeous and adoring swimsuit models to share his domicile with him.

"You must be down on your luck. Tell you what, I normally only do the three-wish thing, but for you, I'll do four."

"Four? What's the catch?"

The genie stares at the man for a while before smiling. "Well, the catch is something I can only tell you after you decide on the extra wish", he says. Figuring he has little to lose, the man agrees. The genie laughs and tells him that the person most directly responsible for his current plight will receive his wishes also, but will get ten times what the man has wished for. The man thinks about this for a few seconds, and then smiles.

"You've decided on your last wish, then?"

"Yeah, I have. I always wanted to know what a mild heart attack felt like..."
 
Okay, so a guy walks into a bar with an ostrich following him. The guy goes up to the bar and orders two scotches.

"That'll be $6.87" the barkeep says. So the man reaches into his pocket, pulls out exactlt $6.87, and hands it to the barkeep. The man drinks one of the scotches, the ostrich drinks the other, and they both walk out.

This goes on every day for a couple of weeks. Every day the man and the ostrich come in, the guy always orders something differant. The price is always differant, but each time he pays with exact change. Now the barkeep just going crazy wondering how the guy does this. Finally, one day as he's giving the man and bird their drinks, he breaks down and asks him.

"Hey buddy", says the barkeep. "Something's been driving me nuts. Every day you walk in here with that ostrich and order two drinks. You always get something differant, and the price is always differant, but you always pay in exact change. How do you do it?"

"Well", says the man, "A while ago I was on an airplane that crashed in the ocean. I was the only survivor, and washed up on a desert island. As I was walking along the beach one day, I stumbled across an old lamp. I rubbed it, and out came a genie. 'For releasing me, you may have three wishes' says the genie. So naturally, my first wish was to be rescued. Just when I said that, a ship appeared on the horizon, and sent a boat to pick me up. When I got back to civilization, my second wish was that whenever I ordered something, I could just stick my hand in my pocket and the money to pay for it would be there."

The barkeep goes "Okay, that explains a lot. But something else has been bothering me; what's with that ostrich following you around everywhere?"

"Well", says the guy, "My third wish was for a chick with long legs."
 
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. ”Hallo, Mr. Hussein!” , a heavily accented voice said.
”This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
”Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, ”This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
”Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, ”there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Saddam paused. ”I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
”Begorra!”, said Paddy. ”I’ll have to ring you back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. ”Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
”And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Saddam asked.
”Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Saddam sighed. ”I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million
since we last spoke.”
”Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. ”I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. ”Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. ”I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And, since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
”Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, ”I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. ”Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have to call off the war.”
”I’m sorry to hear that,” said Saddam. ”Why the sudden change of heart?”
”Well,” said Paddy, ”We’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
 
Sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ....soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic."You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these
years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."
 
No offense to you women but...

Three women are stranded on and island, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

After wandering the beach they find a lamp and rub it and sure enough out pops a genie who says "I will grant you each on wish. So what'll it be?"
The blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter." Then poof, she turns into a red head, builds a crude raft and makes it back to main land.
Then the red head says "I wish I was 75% smarter." Then poof, she turns into a brunette, builds a boat and makes it back to main land.
Then the brunette says "I wish I was 100% smarter." Then poof, she turns into a man walks over the bridge.

EDIT: i said: no offence
 
To understand a woman

A man walked along a Californian beach, losing himself in deep prayer. At one moment, he said aloud:

Lord God, please grant one my wish.

And he heard the voice of God:

For you have always followed my ways, I shall grant one your wish.

The man asked:

Build a bridge to Hawaii for me, so that I am able to travel there in my car whenever I desire.

God replied:

Your wish is very materialistic. Think how many resources such a goal requires. How much concrete, how much steel. I can do that, but it is hard to justify such a request. Perhaps you can think of a different wishing, giving me more glory.

The man took long to think and answered thus:

Yes, Lord God. If that is so, I want to ask you for understanding of women. I want to know what they feel in the depth of their souls, what they think when they speak nothing to me, or when they cry; what they really want when I ask them - what is with you? - and they reply - nothing. And I want to know how to make a woman happy.

After a moment of silence, God said:

You want two or four lanes on that bridge?
 
A guy is speeding to a job one day and as he crosses a bridge he sees a police officer with a radar gun pullout and start chasing him. After realising it'd be useless to try to get away the guy pulls over to wait for the cop to approach.

When the officer asks why he's speeding the guy replies "I have a work emergency, I can't be late"

"What work do you do, may I ask, that requires such a hurry?" asks the officer

"Well," replies the man, "I'm a rectum stretcher"

"A WHAT?"

"A rectum stretcher. You see my clients some to see me to have their rectums stretched. I start with a very small deevice which stretches the rectum a little and I slowly increase the size to the device until they have a rectum about 6 feet wide"

"You mean to tell me people pay you to have their a***holes stretched? And what do you do with a 6-foot a***hole?"

"Well," replies the man "usually they put it at the end of a bridge with a radar gun."
 
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