Joke Thread

[Scythe]

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot."

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he
says, "there's a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty
out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and
another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman....


(Wait for it...........)


I knew I wasn't feeling two grand this morning."

 

[Scythe]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Bugger dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Sod dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his hengliding!"

 

[Scythe]

> THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
>
> >Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered,
> >half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
> >
> >Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open
> >to trade, especially for someone with cash.
> >
> >Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and
> >convinced of her own beauty.
> >
> >Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
> >warm and desirable place to visit.
> >
> >Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by
> >past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
> >
> >Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are
> >un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
> >
> >Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all
> >conquering past but alas, no future.
> >
> >After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is,
> >but no one wants to go there.


> >THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN :
> >
> >Between 15 and 90, a man is like America. Ruled by a dick.

 

[Scythe]

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $ 10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.

The man says . .

" We'll ship her home. "

The undertaker asks . .

" Are you sure ? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here. "

The man says . .

" Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead . . . I just can't take that chance. "

 

[Scythe]

A boy got a homework from his teacher. The boy is supposed to write a poem. The boy went home and asked his dad to write a poem for him. His dad said
"Stop talking Nonsense". He then asked his mum to write a poem for him. His mum said "Not now, I'm busy". He went to his brother next while he was watching TV and asked "What are you watching?".
His bro answered "Arnold Schwarzenegger, now go away before I smack you". He went to his sister and asked her to write a poem for him. His sister answered "You are a #@$%& red-butted monkey, you know? Go away". On the next morning his teacher asked him to read his poem.

The boy: "Stop talking nonesense!"

The teacher: "What!? That's it! I'm taking you to the principal!"

The boy: "Not now, I'm busy"

The teacher: "How dare... Who do you think you are?!?!"

The boy: "Arnold Schwarzenegger, now go away before I smack you!"

The teacher: WHAT!?!? You... YOU!! Who do you think "I" am!

The boy: "You are a #@$%& red-butted monkey, you know? Go away!".

 

[Scythe]

A guy walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The man next to him empties his glass with one swallow, jumps out of the window and returns shortly thereafter. The first man wonders, but remains quiet. The second man orders another beer, swallows it in one go again and even jumps out of the window again.

The first man becomes irritated. He asks the barkeeper what was up with the window-hopping man. The barkeeper replies: "Just ask him when he returns". The man decides to do so. Not long and the other man returns. The irritated one promptly asks him: "How come you jump out of the 4th floor twice and remain unscathed???". The man replies calmly: "Don't you know that when you swallow a whole beer at once you can't get hurt at all when jumping out of a window?!"

Surprised by this the first man orders another one. He empties his glass and jumps out of that 4th floor window! The barkeeper slowly turns towards the remaining man and says: "You can be SUCH an a**hole when you're drunk, Jesus..."

 

[Scythe]

There are two important things for full success in life:
1. Dont tell everything you know

 

[Scythe]

Three nuns die and go to heaven.

They stand before St. Peter, who says, "I must ask each one of you a question. Answer correctly, and you may enter."

He turns to the first nun and asks, "Sister Rebecca, what is the Holy Trinity?"

"The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit," answers Rebecca.

Bells ring, trumpets sound, and she is swept through the Pearly Gates in a blaze of glory.

Peter then looks at the second nun and asks, "Sister Mary, how many disciples did our Savior have?"

"Twelve," says Mary.

Bells ring, trumpets sound, and she is swept through the Pearly Gates in a blaze of glory.

St. Peter turns to the last nun, who is now looking very nervous, and asks her, "Sister Josephine, what is the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

She thinks and thinks, and looks at St. Peter and says, "Gee, that's a hard one..."

Bells ring, trumpets sound, and she is swept through the Pearly Gates in a blaze of glory.

 

[Scythe]

Christmas Office Party:

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to
light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and
your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree
and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is
too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director


December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men - each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director


December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."


Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces


December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians - I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party
at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, so you can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell


December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.

Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

 

[Scythe]

Three men are captured by cannibals, 1 German, 1 French, and 1 British. the tribal chief says to them, "Due to our holiday, I shall grant each of you 1 wish, then you get whipped 30 times on the back, after that you may go."

The German says, "vell then i vant a pillow and i vant it strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps a pillow on the German's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 10th lash, the pillow gave out and the German walked off crying.

The French guy says, " ha silly german this is easy i want 2 pillows strapped to my back." The chief agrees, straps 2 pillows on the French's back and gives him 30 lashes. Around the 20th, last, the pillow gave out and the French man walked off limping.

The chief turns to the last man and says hmm french man, german man where you from?

Great Brtain replied the brit ,

"hmm Since you are from a this great country, I shall give you 2 wishes." The Brit says, "Why Thank you very much chief.

For my first wish, you can forget about the 30 lashes cos i want 100 ." The chief says, " Wow Not only you come from this great country, you are noble too, tell me what is your last wish?" The Brit replys,

"Strap the french and German guys to my back.

 

[leone]

:blink: :blink: Someone get the tranquiller darts. Scythe got his hands on the caffeine again.

 

[Scythe]

A newfie walks into a bar and sees a beautiful mainland girl having a drink. He goes up to her and bluntly says "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" She is taken aback for a moment, but then her eyes light up and she looks the Newfie up and down. "Yes" she says coyly, "I probably would." The newfie smiles and says "Would you sleep with me for one dollar?". The girl looks insulted and snarls "One dollar?!! What do you think I am?" The newfie smiles and says coolly "We already established what you are my dear, now we are just haggling over the price."

 

[Scythe]

Irish Pilots

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed and there was smoke everywhere. But to the relief of all the passengers and not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, and de fookin' widest too!!"

 

[Scythe]

2000 years ago - somewhere in palestine

a village crowd is about to stone a young woman to death because of adultery. just before the first stone is thrown jesus appears.
he stands up to the crowd protecting the woman. with a scornful voice he adresses the crowd : he who is without sin shall cast the first stone !

the crowd goes silent. nobody moves anymore. suddenly - from the back rows - a really huge rock, five pounds or more, comes a flying , hits the infidel woman at her head. the woman falls over, dies.

jesus looks at who threw the rock. when he discovers who it was, his face turns red with embarassment : mommy, sometimes you really *are* a nuisance.

 

[Scythe]

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Brisbane and tell her,' and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
anything, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.'

 

[Scythe]

My brother told me this one:

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender says: Hey, do you know you have a stearing wheel stuck to your croch?

The pirate replies:

Yeah arr......... It's driving me nuts.

 

[Scythe]

The pearly Gates. 10 beautiful women are standing in front of St.Peter and want to get to heaven. St.Peter then asks 'Which of you have ever cheated on your husband take one step forward.' 9 of the 10 women take one step forward. 'All of you to hell' says Peter and all of them go down to hell except for 1. Then as Peter wants to open the gates he waits for a moment, looks at the last woman and says 'Oops allmost forgot-the daef one too'.

 

[Scythe]

Two drunks are sitting in a hotel bar.

The first one syas to the second one:
"I will give you $100 if you do three tasks for me."

"Ok," says the second one, "What are they?"

The first one replies:

"First, you have to knock out the bouncer. He's the big black guy in the lobby.

Second, the is a fighting Rottweiler with a tooth ache out back. You gotta pull its tooth.

and third, there is a ninty year old virgin on the top floor. You gotta **** her."

"No problem," say the second drunk.

He walks out into the lobby and knocks out the bouncer in one punch. He then goes outside. He is outside for a very long time. After a long time, everyone in the lobby hears a long scream. A while later the secomd drunk comes back in, covered in blood, and says:

"Ok, wheres that old lady whose tooth I gotta pull?"

 

[Scythe]

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas
to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it had been invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the
driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come'on this
is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert near took out
the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books -
poof! up in flames , and they hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas . . . When a couple gets divorced
they are STILL cousins.</>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the scene of the accident a trooper asked the Arkansas driver what
gear he was in at the moment of impact. He replied, "tractor hat and
camouflage hunting outfit"</>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Folks in Arkansas now go to movies in groups of 18. They were told "17 and
under are not admitted".</>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas man spoke frantically into the phone, 'my wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?", the doctor asked. "No ya dummy" the man shouted, "This is her
husband!"</>

 

[Scythe]

Twin Brothers
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.