Joke Thread

[leone]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right “tools” she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

This time, quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice answered, “NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.”

 

[leone]

A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The undertaker,” she replied.

 

[leone]

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary and a local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the lady.

“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my husband’s mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. My husband quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’”

 

[leone]

A father is passing by his son’s college late one night on a business trip and decides to stop in for a visit. Arriving at what he thinks is the fraternity house, he knocks on the front door.

"Whaddaya want?" a voice calls down from the second floor.

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" the father calls up.

"Yup," replies the voice. "Just leave him on the porch like usual."

 

[leone]

A blonde is on a date with a geography teacher. "Believe it or not, I know all the state capitals," she says proudly.

"Oh, yeah?" says the guy. "What's the capital of Wisconsin?"

"That's easy," she replies. "It's a W."

 

[leone]

A Texas farmer vacationing in Australia meets an Aussie farmer, who shows the Texan his wheat field.

"Oh, we've got wheat fields twice as large back home," boasts the Texan.

They walk to another field, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

"Oh, we have longhorns that are twice as big," says the braggart.

A little while later, the Texan spots a couple of kangaroos hopping across a field. "What the hell are those?" he asks.

"What?" says the Aussie. "Aintcha got grasshoppers in Texas?"

 

[ledzepgrl]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here", he said to the 'statue', "......eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!"

 

[Sir_Garland]

:lol:

 

[leone]

A man walks up to a woman and asks, "Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?"

She quickly replies, "Yes."

So then he asks, "Would you sleep with me for $20?"

Astounded by the question she says, "Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?"

He says, "Well we've already determined that. Now I'm just working on a price."

 

[leone]

A woman walks into a sporting-goods store and asks the salesman if he could help her pick out a rifle. "It's for my husband," she explains.

"Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asks the salesman.

"Are you kidding? He doesn’t even know I'm gonna shoot him."

 

[a_iver]

YOU ARE WHAT YOU READ
(author unknown)

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.


8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running
the country as long as they do something really scandalous,preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand
for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority feminist, atheist, dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other
country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.

 

[leone]

Originally posted by a_iver@Sep 27 2005, 03:13 PM
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

Hell yeah! k:

 

[leone]

A man walks into a bar and yells, "All right, who thinks he's the strongest man in this place?"

A big musclebound guy stands up, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "I am. What's it to you?"

"Listen," says the man, "can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

 

[leone]

A man goes to see a psychiatrist, who shows him a picture of an inkblot.

"What does this picture remind you of?" the doctor asks.

"A lesbian nun orgy," the guy replies.

"How about this one?" the shrink asks, holding up another picture.

"A cheerleader orgy," the guy says.

After three more pictures, the doctor finally puts down the cards. "You are a sick pervert," he says.

"Me?" the guy says indignantly. "You're the one who keeps showing me dirty pictures."

 

[cultclassic]

:lol:

 

[ledzepgrl]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 

[Enyone]

:lol: :lol:

A guilty man is on trial and is trying to get an easier sentence. So he scans the Jurors and picks out a really pretty blonde. He somehow gets a hold of her and says '' I will pay you 10,000 dollars if you sentence me for Man slaughter. She agrees and two weeks later he's sentenced with Manslaughter.

He calls her from prison and he says ''Thank you so much for your help'' she says
''No problem it was really hard though''
''why?''
''Everyone wanted to aquit you''

 

[ledzepgrl]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

 

[Sir_Garland]

:lol:

 

[leone]

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honor," the hiker says, "it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."