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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
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givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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Well It's back to work and I'm late 
I've decided on this one in honor of me and my ilk 
Engineer Identification Test:
-----------------------------
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
Straighten it.
Ignore it.
Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar- powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "3" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
Important social contacts
A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
Get it over with as soon as possible
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun.
No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.
To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house.
While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Bill Gates
MacGyver
Etcetera
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.
Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in mechanical, electrical or civil engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
Hindenberg
Space Shuttle Challenger
SPANet™
Hubble space telescope
Apollo 13
Titanic
Ford Pinto
Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.
The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a high risk project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
How smart they are.
How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex -- and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Finally nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
I've decided on this one in honor of me and my ilk Engineer Identification Test:
-----------------------------
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
Straighten it.
Ignore it.
Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar- powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "3" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
Important social contacts
A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
Get it over with as soon as possible
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun.
No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.
To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house.
While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Bill Gates
MacGyver
Etcetera
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.
Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in mechanical, electrical or civil engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
Hindenberg
Space Shuttle Challenger
SPANet™
Hubble space telescope
Apollo 13
Titanic
Ford Pinto
Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.
The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a high risk project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
How smart they are.
How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex -- and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Finally nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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Bwaaaahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! Human Resources screwed up. I wasn't on the schedule. In fact I wasn't scheduled to come back on any date. EVER! Had a hell of a time getting past second level security even though we're on a 1st name basis. Ahhhh another day off paid. Life is good. So here's another in honor of the occasion.
The Four Parables
Parable Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Parable Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Parable Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Parable Number 4:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
The Four Parables
Parable Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Parable Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Parable Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Parable Number 4:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
givemfitz! the engineering joke is hilarious because its true! HAHAHAHAHA...the thing is, my major is engineering and i'm on the University of Michigan engineering campus reading this and i'm laughing toooooooo hard! blast you! :lol:
ILackPigment
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Hahahaha. Loved the 4 parables.
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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There was a student in medical school who wanted to specialize in sexual disorders, so he made arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief administrator was showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
givemfitz
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Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day,one very young the other middle aged, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The warden, turning to the young man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love rap. Could you please play some for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
The warden, turning to the young man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love rap. Could you please play some for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. .
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn''t!.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step..
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. .
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don''t even know who you are!".
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma''am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn''t!.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step..
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. .
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don''t even know who you are!".
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma''am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
givemfitz
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
givemfitz
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked,
Bring beer....
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked,
Bring beer....
givemfitz
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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Mississippi. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and write down a single stanza poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu". First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited--------
Me and Tim a huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won - hands down!
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited--------
Me and Tim a huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won - hands down!
givemfitz
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Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
givemfitz
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"How to sing the Blues . . . A Primer "
1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out this sumbitch.
5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues.. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10) Good places for the Blues:
a) Highway;
2) Jailhouse;
c) Empty bed;
d) Bottom of a whiskey glass.
Bad places for the Blues:
a) Dillard's;
2) Gallery openings;
c) Ivy League institutions;
d) Golf courses
11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if
a) You older than dirt;
2) You blind;
c) You shot a man in Memphis;
d) You can't be satisfied.
No, if
a) You have all your teeth;
2) You were once blind but now can see;
c) The man in Memphis lived;
d) You have a 401K or trust fund.
13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are
a) Cheap wine;
2) Whiskey or bourbon;
c) Muddy water;
d) Nasty black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a) Perrier;
2) Chardonnay;
c) Snapple;
d) Slim Fast.
15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16) Some Blues names for women:
a) Sadie;
2) Big Mama;
c) Bessie;
d) Fat River Dumpling
17) Some Blues names for men
a) Joe;
2) Willie;
c) Little Willie;
d) Big Willie
18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
2) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);
c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.);
d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues 'less that computer is so old that in order to trade it for a broke harmonica you still got to spice the deal with some cash. We talkin Pentium II or earlier.
1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out this sumbitch.
5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues.. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10) Good places for the Blues:
a) Highway;
2) Jailhouse;
c) Empty bed;
d) Bottom of a whiskey glass.
Bad places for the Blues:
a) Dillard's;
2) Gallery openings;
c) Ivy League institutions;
d) Golf courses
11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if
a) You older than dirt;
2) You blind;
c) You shot a man in Memphis;
d) You can't be satisfied.
No, if
a) You have all your teeth;
2) You were once blind but now can see;
c) The man in Memphis lived;
d) You have a 401K or trust fund.
13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are
a) Cheap wine;
2) Whiskey or bourbon;
c) Muddy water;
d) Nasty black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a) Perrier;
2) Chardonnay;
c) Snapple;
d) Slim Fast.
15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16) Some Blues names for women:
a) Sadie;
2) Big Mama;
c) Bessie;
d) Fat River Dumpling
17) Some Blues names for men
a) Joe;
2) Willie;
c) Little Willie;
d) Big Willie
18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
2) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);
c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.);
d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues 'less that computer is so old that in order to trade it for a broke harmonica you still got to spice the deal with some cash. We talkin Pentium II or earlier.
givemfitz
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Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. "Well what happened?"
She replied, "It was the best sex I ever had!"
"Why?" asked Farmer Brown.
"Well when he took off his pants it wasn't but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew to 9 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage."
Farmer Brown said, "Well, no wonder the female was trying to rip my ears off !!"
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. "Well what happened?"
She replied, "It was the best sex I ever had!"
"Why?" asked Farmer Brown.
"Well when he took off his pants it wasn't but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew to 9 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage."
Farmer Brown said, "Well, no wonder the female was trying to rip my ears off !!"
givemfitz
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This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
givemfitz
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George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying,"No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife has no idea what the inside of a whorehouse smells like".
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying,"No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife has no idea what the inside of a whorehouse smells like".
givemfitz
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A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn''t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars put the seats back and screwed each other senseless.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you''re not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I''ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I''ll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn''t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars put the seats back and screwed each other senseless.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you''re not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I''ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I''ll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
