Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

 

[givemfitz]

2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there were 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said I'll tee off, he's far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, straight down the fairway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He dropped to the ground and curled up to a fetal position in obvious pain with both of his hands clutched tightly together between his legs.

She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I'm an RN." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzips his pants and reaching in begins massaging him gently.

"How does that feel?" she asked.
"Great!", he said, "but my hand still hurts like hell."

 

[givemfitz]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

 

[givemfitz]

Improving English

EC PRESS RELEASE

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasability study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

Ein Reich, Ein Volk......

 

[taikonaut]

:lol: more! more!
very funy!

 

[michelle]

half the kids these days spell worse than that... :lol:

 

[Kodos84]

rofl, looks german

 

[michelle]

i think that's the point. :lol:

 

[dascoot]

Either German or Newspeak.

 

[givemfitz]

Arccoding to a rereasch at Cgmbdirae Usivrenity, it dsoen't mtetar in what oderr the leertts in a word are. The only imptraont tnhig is that the frist and last letetr be in the rghit pacle.

The rest can be a ttaol mess and you can siltl read it whoitut pberlom. This is bseauce the haumn mind does not read ervey lteter by itlsef, but the word as a wolhe.

http://stage.itp.nyu.edu/~jn429/cambscramb/ Put whatever you want in there and see for yourself.

 

[dascoot]

Dude that is so crazy.. I totally understood everything you said. I wonder though, if that's the case, why is dyslexia a problem?

 

[Kodos84]

wow taht is carzy :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

Originally posted by dascoot@Mar 24 2004, 04:50 PM
Dude that is so crazy.. I totally understood everything you said. I wonder though, if that's the case, why is dyslexia a problem?

Well I notice that the generator at the website only messes with words of 5 letters or larger. It's probably because dylsexia isn't that selective.

 

[Kodos84]

points to anyone who guesses what this scrambled word is:
sipltcecifarerlaeogiixlabiuducsois

 

[dascoot]

Uh, supercalifragalisticexpialidocious.. or however the hell it's spelled..

 

[givemfitz]

Yeah that took me about 3 seconds. I guess those boys & girls at Cambridge know their business. Huh, who'd a thunk it.

 

[dascoot]

Well, that and there's no legitimate word in the English language that's that long..

 

[givemfitz]

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosistic heh heh heh

 

[dascoot]

Miner's lung.
Hey, your stupid scrambly thing doesn't work on antidisestablishmentarianism.

 

[Kodos84]

it worked for me.