Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

George W. Bush is hanging out with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
The Queen says, "Well, the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns and replies, "Well, how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a little sip of tea and says, "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes the button on her intercom and says, "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room and says, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles at Tony and says, "Tony, answer me this, please.
Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair says, "Well, that would be me."
The Queen smiles and says, "Yes! Very good. Thank you!"
Back at the White House, Bush is a bit puzzled. He asks to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney.
"Hey Dick, answer this for me, would you? Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
Dick Cheney frowns and says "Geez, I'm not sure. Lemme get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to all his advisors and asks everyone he can but no one can give him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts over to him, "Hey Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell flushes and yells back, "Hey, that's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles and yells, "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and tells Bush, "Hey, I finally figured out the answer to that riddle! It's Colin Powell!"
Bush gets up and angrily stomps over to Dick Cheney and yells right into Dick's face, "No you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

 

[givemfitz]

The top 16 world's shortest books
===========================

16. Al Gore: The Wild Years

15. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

14. America's Most Popular Lawyers

13. Career Opportunities for History Majors

12. Detroit - A Travel Guide

11. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

10. Easy UNIX

9. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

8. Everything Men Know About Women

7. Everything Women Know About Men

6. French Hospitality

5. George Forman's Big Book of Baby Names

4. How to Sustain a Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel

3. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

2. The Amish Phone Book

AND.... The Number One World's Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion.

 

[Kodos84]

hahahahaha :lol:
i like the bush joke
*does conan o' brien's bush impersonation* huh? :huh:

 

[michelle]

Originally posted by Kodos84@Mar 15 2004, 04:09 PM
hahahahaha :lol:
i like the bush joke
*does conan o' brien's bush impersonation* huh? :huh:

that little smiley face is so perfect! --> :huh:

 

[Kodos84]

hehe, i thought so.
if only it could do the head motion that conan does so well

 

[michelle]

conan rocks :elvis: (too bad the hair isn't red)

 

[givemfitz]

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

 

[givemfitz]

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

 

[dascoot]

That one's gross and disturbing on so many levels.. :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

That's EXACTLY what my friends say about ME!!! <_<

 

[givemfitz]

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:
"Do you love your wife?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"What do you love more, your wife or your country?"
"My country, sir."
"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!"

"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

 

[givemfitz]

There's a guy named John, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy. John loves Wendy a lot. To prove how much he loves her, he gets "Wendy" tattooed on his penis. When it's erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads "Wy".

So, when she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.

He pops the question, and she accepts.

They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach. They are having a great time, when John decides to get up from sunbathing and get something to drink at the beach bar.

He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eye wander and end up embarrassing himself. He orders a drink from the guy at the bar, who is also naked. He is surprised to note that the bartender also has "Wy" tattooed on his penis! John says to the guy, "Wow, what a coincidence. So, you have a girlfriend named ''Wendy'' and her name is tattooed on your dick too?" The bartender looks slowly down at John's thing, back to his and starts laughing. Flashing a wide grin, he says, "No, mon. Mine says ''Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.''"

 

[givemfitz]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

 

[givemfitz]

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

 

[givemfitz]

Fun Things to do When Salespeople Call

1. Tell them they must have the wrong number, only God lives here.
2. When they call back, tell them this is the devil's residence.
3. Start telling them about the wonderful encyclopedias you have in stock.
4 .Start telling them your life story.
5. Tell them about your intense hatred for salespeople, then ask where they
live.
6. Reply to all their questions in song.
7. Ask for someone who can translate Pig Latin, as you speak no other
language.
8. Hand the phone to the youngest member of the house - preferably under five.
If no such person is available, give the phone to a pet.
9. As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking
relentlessly.
10. Demand that they refer to you as Captain.
11. Insist on calling them Mr. Spock.
12. Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning.
13. Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today.
14. Describe your socks in detail.
15. Interrupt them repeatedly to describe your endless list of health problems.
16. Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes.
17. Refuse to answer any of their questions, as they may be one of THEM!
18. Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender. Then
later tell them they were wrong.
19. Ask them for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat
some more.
20. Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door.
21. When they ask to speak to you spend a long time trying to decide if that
really is your name and after you realize it is ask them to remind you of it
occasionally.
22. Proudly explain that they are the first person that you have spoken to
since your return to Earth.
23. In the middle of the conversation start humming the Sesame Street theme
song, when they try to speak sound surprised and say, "Is someone there?"
24. Begin snoring.
25. Gleefully explain that "they" have come for you and that you are going to
a better place.
26. Start screaming whenever they say the word "that."
27. Say, "I am so glad you called, I have been waiting and waiting to hear
from you!"
28. Answer every question with the phase, "I like eggs."
29. Say "Don't you hate it when you get your tongue stuck in a door?"
30. Complain to them about how outrageous it is that you have to take time
out of your busy day to breathe.
31. Start reading them some of your poetry.
32. Occasionally start singing commercial jingles.
33. Suggest that the two of you get together sometime and go bowling.
34. Ask them what they would do if there was a dead body on the floor of
their living room.
35. Discuss what a wonderful world it would be if we were all born with
tails.
36. Whenever they try to get a word in babble on about how young people these
days talk way too much, and don't respect their elders. (Works best if they
are clearly older than you.)
37. During complete silence ask them if they hear that pounding noise.
38. Make loud pounding noises and when they ask about them say "What pounding
noises?"
39. Tell them to hold on a second, set down the phone and sing loudly.
40. Or.............just pretend to be an answering machine.

 

[givemfitz]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.

Q. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

 

[givemfitz]

Actual Bumper Stickers
---------------------------

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

Born again pagan.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Cats... the other white meat.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

 

[givemfitz]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?," asks Cinderella.
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly," said Cinderella. "Peter Peter,something or other...."

 

[givemfitz]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello, we're down here..."

 

[givemfitz]

How hot is it in Hell?

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
Is Hell:
A.) exothermic (gives off heat) or
B.) endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they that are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms.Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then B., hell is endothermic, cannot be true.

Therefore, my answer is A. Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.