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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
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givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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:what: YA THINK????? :lol:
Yeahhhh, remembering that this is a public forum I truly agonize over some of the jokes that I actually do post. I have tons more that I just couldn't possibly. Not here
But heyyyyy.....ya took a shot
Yeahhhh, remembering that this is a public forum I truly agonize over some of the jokes that I actually do post. I have tons more that I just couldn't possibly. Not here
But heyyyyy.....ya took a shot The Lost Boy
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The Top 15 Punchlines without Jokes
15 ...and Ms. Reno says, "Yeah, and it's DEEP, too!"
14 ...and the film will star Tom Arnold, Pauley Shore, and
Quentin Tarantino.
13 "If word gets out, EVERYONE will want an extra pancreas."
12 ...and her husband says, "But they're twins -- if you've seen
Juan, you've seen Amal."
11 ...and she says, "So that's what Tiger means by 'getting up and
down in two'."
10 ...so Steve Buschemi says, "How much Bosco can you drink,
anyway?!"
9 "So's mine, lady -- must be the salt water!"
8 "So the talking duck turns to the guy and says, 'You wanna hear
my impression of De Niro?'"
7 ...then the doctor says, "Ok, now it's my turn to cough".
6 Freud -- Because he'd get so excited by the donut that he'd
never miss his wallet!
5 "If you can say you're a Kennedy, I can say I'm 18."
4 "Well if I'd known I had a squid in my underwear, I would have
ordered the rice pilaf."
3 ...then the second trapper cried, "Sacre bleu! I deed not know
she was ze prime ministaire's daughtaire!"
2 The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals
with HIS.
1 ...then Cathy Lee says, "What do you mean there's no such thing
as Tuesday Night Football?!"
15 ...and Ms. Reno says, "Yeah, and it's DEEP, too!"
14 ...and the film will star Tom Arnold, Pauley Shore, and
Quentin Tarantino.
13 "If word gets out, EVERYONE will want an extra pancreas."
12 ...and her husband says, "But they're twins -- if you've seen
Juan, you've seen Amal."
11 ...and she says, "So that's what Tiger means by 'getting up and
down in two'."
10 ...so Steve Buschemi says, "How much Bosco can you drink,
anyway?!"
9 "So's mine, lady -- must be the salt water!"
8 "So the talking duck turns to the guy and says, 'You wanna hear
my impression of De Niro?'"
7 ...then the doctor says, "Ok, now it's my turn to cough".
6 Freud -- Because he'd get so excited by the donut that he'd
never miss his wallet!
5 "If you can say you're a Kennedy, I can say I'm 18."
4 "Well if I'd known I had a squid in my underwear, I would have
ordered the rice pilaf."
3 ...then the second trapper cried, "Sacre bleu! I deed not know
she was ze prime ministaire's daughtaire!"
2 The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals
with HIS.
1 ...then Cathy Lee says, "What do you mean there's no such thing
as Tuesday Night Football?!"
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they're used."
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they're used."
ILackPigment
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HAHAHAHAHA!!! Those are both excellent. First one's oooh so true.
Mr. Awesome
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A famed cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart was then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist.
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart was then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist.
That's when the proctologist fainted.
givemfitz
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:lol: That one was funny on page 5 too. Thanks for posting though cuz I really am running low and besides I don't know how anyone could :usesearch: on this thread.
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, YOU, nine, ten, eleven . . . "
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, YOU, nine, ten, eleven . . . "
ILackPigment
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ROTFLMAO!!!! That Monica one was awesome.
Mr. Awesome
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I knew I had seen that proctologist joke somewhere before.
Mr. Awesome
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This young virgin couple had decided to wait until their wedding night before they had sex. On their wedding night in their hotel room it was time for bed so the nervous young man asked his new bride to please look the other way while he got undressed. She agreed and was anxious to open the wedding gift from her mother anyway. She was excited because she had instructed her mother to get her a sexy sheer black nightie they had seen at a lingerie shop. But, when she opened the box there was only an ugly pink bathrobe to be found. In disgust she said "Oh, it's all pink and wrinkly!" "I told you not to look!" screamed the young man.
dascoot
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One day, a mother walked in the front door and heard a strange
noise up in her daughter's room. She went up, opened the door, and found
her daughter on the bed going at it with a battery-operated device.
"What the HELL are you doing??" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old, ugly, and no man is ever going to want to touch me," said the daughter.
The mother shrugged, said "OK" and closed the door.
The next day, the father came home and heard a strange noise up in his daughter's room. He goes upstairs, opens the door, and finds his daughter going at it again.
"What the HELL are you doing??" asked the father.
"Dad, I'm 40 years old, ugly, and no man is ever going to want to touch me," said the daughter.
"Can't argue with that," said the father, and he closed the door.
The next day, the mother comes home to find her husband sitting in the chair with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other.
"Honey, what the HELL are you doing??" asked the mother.
The father said, "Nothing. I'm just sitting here watching the game with my son-in-law."
noise up in her daughter's room. She went up, opened the door, and found
her daughter on the bed going at it with a battery-operated device.
"What the HELL are you doing??" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old, ugly, and no man is ever going to want to touch me," said the daughter.
The mother shrugged, said "OK" and closed the door.
The next day, the father came home and heard a strange noise up in his daughter's room. He goes upstairs, opens the door, and finds his daughter going at it again.
"What the HELL are you doing??" asked the father.
"Dad, I'm 40 years old, ugly, and no man is ever going to want to touch me," said the daughter.
"Can't argue with that," said the father, and he closed the door.
The next day, the mother comes home to find her husband sitting in the chair with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other.
"Honey, what the HELL are you doing??" asked the mother.
The father said, "Nothing. I'm just sitting here watching the game with my son-in-law."
