Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

A man returns from a trip to Bangkok and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

He wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests and...I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."

"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and herpes," explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "What are we going to do?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor, matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

 

[givemfitz]

A young couple is doing some shopping in town. Having purchased everything they need, they return to the parking lot to drive home. Where's the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it!

They notify the police from a phone booth inside the mall and make a report at the Police station. A young detective drives them back to see if any evidence remains from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit's wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital. The young couple's faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time.

They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, "Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don't I?"

 

[givemfitz]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."

"...Now give me back my dog."

 

[givemfitz]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh. Kill any?"

"Yep, three males, two females."

Intrigued, she asked. "Flys are so small. How could you tell their sex?"

"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

 

[givemfitz]

One Saturday morning a man gets up before dawn, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, heavy overalls and coat, and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and head down the road.

As he drives out of the garage he sees there's a torrent of rain pouring down. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He pulls back into the garage. He walks back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he shuts the garage door, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"

 

[givemfitz]

Ok, just in case everyone is thinking that this is my personal thread and that I'm the only one allowed to post jokes here....................It just ain't so.
So please.....EVREYBODY.....feel free.....post away. Besides.....I'm damn near outta jokes!!!!

 

[Kodos84]

I would post some jokes but i only know nasty jokes

 

[taikonaut]

ugh that last joke by givemfitz is funny but HORRIBLE! its like from the movie unfaithful! altho i havent watched it

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by Kodos84@Mar 2 2004, 05:32 PM
I would post some jokes but i only know nasty jokes

Same here, that and really really REALLY weak ones my step-grandma used to tell.

 

[ILackPigment]

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are awaiting entrance to heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to heaven, my son.''

God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asks him what his job was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''

 

[rewep]

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

[rewep]

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doctor.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."

The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."

 

[givemfitz]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
10. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, muzzle velocities, or monster trucks.
22. You have enough clothes.

And to finish it from a man's point of view...Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Personal note: Ladies please pay particular attention to rule #12

 

[michelle]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Mar 4 2004, 10:58 AM
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Have you ever fallen into the toilet bowl? :lol: I vote that it should stay down. :lol:

 

[dascoot]

Yeah.. plus, y'all pee all over the rim and leave hairs and other ghastly things there.. at least with the seat down no one can see it.

 

[Kodos84]

My psychology professor said the funniest thing in class today that made me crack up:

One day he was giving a lecture and he had diarrhea. Suddenly he had to go to the bathroom in the middle of class. So he popped in a video for the students to watch and rushed out the door. He made it to the bathroom just in time. When he got back, one student complained that there was no sound for the film. And also his microphone was on :lol:

 

[rewep]

Originally posted by dascoot@Mar 4 2004, 04:51 PM
Yeah.. plus, y'all pee all over the rim and leave hairs and other ghastly things there.. at least with the seat down no one can see it.

LOL

Personally I consider myself lucky if I'm sober enough to even hit the rim.

 

[ILackPigment]

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. Beer is believed to contain female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

A recent experiment seems to confirm this theory. When 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within an 1 hour period 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

 

[givemfitz]

:lol: Yeah beer's like that. Everyone should just stick to tequila :lol:



An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!! "

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[Kodos84]

Ok, since there were some nasty jokes i decided to go ahead and tell one.

This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and
his gal climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, pull it out," She screams out..."I can't get pregnant...aaahhhhhhhh"!

Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over my face.