Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward.

The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

 

[givemfitz]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5 year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit!"

 

[givemfitz]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and tells him to come over because she needs help with a jigsaw puzzle she just got and she doesn't know where to start.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

Then he held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then...." he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

 

[givemfitz]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.

No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service -- the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.

Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

 

[givemfitz]

Well it's gonna be a top poppin can crushin day at Hueys' house so these seemed fitting.

Thoughts about the Food of the Gods:

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~ Frank Sinatra

~~~~

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
~ Ernest Hemingway

~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~

Remember "I" before "E" except in Budweiser.

~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~~~~

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

~~~~

And my personal favorite:
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

 

[dascoot]

I like the one about BEER! Helping white boys dance since.. whenever..
So how far into that 24-pack are you already?

 

[givemfitz]

:lol: I'm on #22. Started @ 10:00 AM. Thank the gods of fermentation there's an am/pm on the corner. A mere 2min walk. 3 if your weaving :lol:

 

[Shatterpoint]

no beer for me, pass me the Jagermeister....

 

[givemfitz]

Ugggggggggghhhhhh to the Jager. Goldschlager for me. But then I do toss the black jelly beans to the sparrows

 

[givemfitz]

I shall seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and control you . . .
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you grunt and groan . . .
I will make you beg for mercy . . .
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave . . .
And you will be weak for days . . .

All my love . . .

The Flu

 

[givemfitz]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Do you have widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

 

[givemfitz]

A famed cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart was then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist.

That's when the proctologist fainted.

 

[givemfitz]

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, won't wait for weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And as I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, please send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen

 

[givemfitz]

A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Fifteen years later, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems.

"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

 

[givemfitz]

GEORGE CARLINISMS


How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

 

[givemfitz]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

 

[givemfitz]

Regional Humor

You live in California when ...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Alaska when . . .

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when ...

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.

You live in Colorado when ...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You live in the Midwest when . . .

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. You don't know how to vote.

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Feb 26 2004, 04:16 PM
You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. You don't know how to vote.

<_<

 

[ILackPigment]

That as well as the single girl joke were awesome. I laughed so hard I damn near busted my stitches. lmfao. And it felt great. Thanks, man.

 

[givemfitz]

At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then board an open 17th-century coach pulled by six magnificent matching white horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking out their respective sides of the coach and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the road.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-shaking, eye-stinging, acrid blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, and so powerful that it shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries do their best to ignore the incident. But, embarrassed, the Queen decides it's impossible to ignore it.

"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you'll understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control."

Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses."