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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
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givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "schmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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A preacher decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. To make his point, four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm in sperm.
The forth worm in good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the preacher reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead
Third worm in sperm - dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - alive and well.
The preacher thundered from his pulpit: "What, my friends, can we learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm in sperm.
The forth worm in good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the preacher reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead
Third worm in sperm - dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - alive and well.
The preacher thundered from his pulpit: "What, my friends, can we learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
manintights89
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sexy worms hahaha
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Florida State."
And they say blonds are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
______
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.. Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!
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A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Florida State."
And they say blonds are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
______
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.. Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
Sir_Garland
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I liked this one. ^ :lol:
leone
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be OK??" "No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be OK??" "No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
Sir_Garland
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:lol: That's awful.
leone
baby daddy
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An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
leone
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A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chilli," she says, "But the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbour.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had just eaten back into the bowl.
"Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.
"Chilli," she says, "But the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbour.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had just eaten back into the bowl.
"Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.
leone
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A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"
Sir_Garland
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@ the chili one. Are you sure he wasn't eating it at Wendy's? :lol:
leone
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A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Sir_Garland
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I don't think so 'cause he got the whole mouse. [/b][/quote]Originally posted by leone+May 31 2005, 09:32 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (leone @ May 31 2005, 09:32 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-Sir_Garland@May 31 2005, 01:31 PM
:lol: And not just a little paw right?
