Joke Thread

[leone]

Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
His maid says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

 

[leone]

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.

 

[Sir_Garland]

:lol:

That last one reminded me of Buck from Kill Bill 2.

 

[givemfitz]

An American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.

"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

The American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You’ll become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

 

[givemfitz]

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not to be deterred. He reached into his pocket once more and said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!"

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

"I'm not a dentist," replied the man. "I'm the local undertaker."

 

[leone]

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

 

[leone]

A teacher wrote, "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board and said, "Timmy, how should I correct that?"

Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend?"

 

[Enyone]

:lol: :lol: :lol: all of them

 

[givemfitz]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of
breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her
husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that
said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband
and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and
said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with
the same old cow everytime." "I bet it was one young hefer after another."

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and
he should make a full recovery.

 

[givemfitz]

The case concerned a dispute over a deceased man's Will, and Kelly was a witness...

"Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?"

"I don't know," said Kelly.

"Come now man," continued the attoney, "you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"

"Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone. "

 

[Sir_Garland]

:lol: I liked the bull one the best.

 

[leone]

There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's".

That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?"She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The brother, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap."

The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."

 

[dascoot]

Ohh man that took me back, we used to tell that one when I was a kid. :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me." The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."

 

[givemfitz]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, many people that would normally ignore the other guy are probably giving him money just to spite you!"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing"

 

[Sir_Garland]

:lol: I would do that too! What a cheap bastard.

 

[leone]

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore.

Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore.

The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.

The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"

 

[leone]

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

 

[leone]

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95."

 

[Sir_Garland]

:lol: :lol: :lol: