Sir_Garland
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That's my hubby and I. We each think the other is deaf. :lol:
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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
- Start date
k:
Sir_Garland
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:lol: Eeeeeeewwwww! 
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
:lol:
manintights89
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i could go fer a pahp aboot naow
How do you sink a german submarine?
You knock the door, and the german opens for you.
How do you sink another german submarine?
You knock again, he opens and says "Ha ha, you can't fool uz again!!"
How do you sink a russian submarine?
You knock the door, and the russian opens and says "We're not as stupid as the germans."
You knock the door, and the german opens for you.
How do you sink another german submarine?
You knock again, he opens and says "Ha ha, you can't fool uz again!!"
How do you sink a russian submarine?
You knock the door, and the russian opens and says "We're not as stupid as the germans."
leone
baby daddy
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Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
- Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Damn, there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
- What do you mean, he's not insured?
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Damn, there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
- What do you mean, he's not insured?
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."
The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."
The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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I'm sick an' tired of hearin' about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called "smart Yankee" to git a passin' grade on this here exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that'll support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these car's will rust out the quickest when placed on cement block's in yer front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane,
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or a
© '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If yer uncle build's a still which produce's at a capacity of 20 gallon's of shine per hour, how many car radiator's will be required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operate's at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine tree's in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acre's in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inch's. How many Budweiser's will be consumed before the tree's are all cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2 x 8 pine on 24-inch center's with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet an' the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough-sawn pine. When the porch collapse's, how many hound dog's will be killed?
7. A man own's a Tennessee house an' 3.7 acre's of land in a hollow with a average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land an' still have enough property fer their electric appliance's to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yard's down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brake's fail. Given average traffic condition's on secondary road's, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operate's in a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employ's 120 miner's per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many carton's of unfiltered Camel's will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that this here test was gonna be a easy one, di'n'tcha? It's ok if'n ya di'n't do all that good. It just goes to show ya that thare's a whole heap of thang's that big-city book-larning di'n't prepare ya fer in this here life.
As a added bonu's fer takin' the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some Southerly advice that might come in handy down the road apiece... Next time yer're too drunk to fish or drive, walk to the nearest pizza place an' place a delivery order. When they go to deliver it, hitch a ride home with 'em.
All y'all have a wondrou's weekend, hear?
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that'll support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these car's will rust out the quickest when placed on cement block's in yer front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane,
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or a
© '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If yer uncle build's a still which produce's at a capacity of 20 gallon's of shine per hour, how many car radiator's will be required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operate's at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine tree's in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acre's in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inch's. How many Budweiser's will be consumed before the tree's are all cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2 x 8 pine on 24-inch center's with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet an' the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough-sawn pine. When the porch collapse's, how many hound dog's will be killed?
7. A man own's a Tennessee house an' 3.7 acre's of land in a hollow with a average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land an' still have enough property fer their electric appliance's to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yard's down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brake's fail. Given average traffic condition's on secondary road's, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operate's in a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employ's 120 miner's per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many carton's of unfiltered Camel's will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that this here test was gonna be a easy one, di'n'tcha? It's ok if'n ya di'n't do all that good. It just goes to show ya that thare's a whole heap of thang's that big-city book-larning di'n't prepare ya fer in this here life.
As a added bonu's fer takin' the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some Southerly advice that might come in handy down the road apiece... Next time yer're too drunk to fish or drive, walk to the nearest pizza place an' place a delivery order. When they go to deliver it, hitch a ride home with 'em.
All y'all have a wondrou's weekend, hear?
