Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

In my next life I want to be a momma bear.

If you're a momma bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.

If you're a momma bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a momma bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. He KNOWS not to get between you and the food.

Yup..... Gonna be a MOMMA bear.

 

[givemfitz]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as his wife, and she as him.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Got them off to school, started some laundry, gathered up some dry cleaning, got in the car and took it to the cleaners, stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, finished the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

At 3:30 p.m. when the kids got home he dropped one child off at a scout meeting, another at soccer practice and the third at piano lessons, then went home and set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 6:30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though...

......

You got pregnant last night."

 

[givemfitz]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

 

[givemfitz]

A frustrated Silicon Valley dad vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player."

"So what do you do?" asked his friend.

"I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.

 

[givemfitz]

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly as he went about doing the examinations.

One morning, the young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No Doc, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner'."

 

[givemfitz]

One dark night a fire started inside the local semiconductor plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the semiconductor company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed of a couple of just a few fire fighters in a very old fire truck.

To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the semiconductor plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the motley crew hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the semiconductor company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the heros individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.

The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

 

[givemfitz]

An artist asked the curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the curator replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

 

[givemfitz]

Ok, a few may boo and hiss this one but it cracked me up. :lol:

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

 

[givemfitz]

Have you heard about the next planned "survivor" show?

6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays 2 sports and either takes music or dance classes and there is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned home clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to TV when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only 1 TV between them and no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear make-up daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making 4 lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings, clean up after their sick children at 3:00 AM, make an Indian hut model with 6 toothpicks, a tortilla, and 1 marker.

They must get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids get to vote them off based on performance.

The winner gets to go back to work.

 

[michelle]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Jun 24 2004, 03:32 AM
make an Indian hut model with 6 toothpicks, a tortilla, and 1 marker.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a Public Disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

"Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecutor then approached the woman and said:

"Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst traveling at over 150 kph through the centre of London, in a blizzard...and you were totally nude?"

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution counsel and calmly said, "What was the date again?"

 

[givemfitz]

A blond decided to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, shegrabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her plight and unplugs the horse.

Thank God for heros.

 

[givemfitz]

Cards I Wish I Could Find At Hallmark

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
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OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.
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OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
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OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.
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OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking?
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OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
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OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
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OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!
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OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.
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OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
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OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?
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OUTSIDE: So your daughter's a hooker and it spoiled your day.
INSIDE: Look at the bright side -- it's really good pay.
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OUTSIDE: My tire was thumping.
INSIDE: I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat.
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OUTSIDE: You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.
INSIDE: Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.
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OUTSIDE: Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
INSIDE: But don't fret about it, she moved in with me.
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OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your wedding day!!
INSIDE: Too bad no one likes your husband.
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OUTSIDE: How could two people as beautiful as you ....
INSIDE: Have such an ugly baby?
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OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
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OUTSIDE: Someday I hope to get married..........
INSIDE: but not to you.
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OUTSIDE: Happy birthday!! You look great for your age......
INSIDE: Almost lifelike!
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OUTSIDE: We have been friends for a very long time
INSIDE: what say we stop?

 

[givemfitz]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole in the dirt, when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing, there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up,

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt and then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

 

[givemfitz]

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.

"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, 'a sample'."

The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman!"

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal...a sample."

She thought a minute.

Then she said, "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him references."

 

[givemfitz]

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.

 

[givemfitz]

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "You've been out golfing all day! Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

 

[givemfitz]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. automakers for the past five years, whereby the automakers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks. This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occurred, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

(It's legal in MT. to drive with an open container)

 

[*Sarah*]

wow, your full of jokes aren't yah? :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

I find that two a day keep the blues away. Mostly <_<