Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?
Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?
The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there?
Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear..















WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!

 

[givemfitz]

An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.

 

[givemfitz]

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."
The little man says, "F**k off, Bush! Can't you see I'm in a meeting?" and keeps walking.

 

[givemfitz]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

 

[givemfitz]

"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman

 

[Vocal]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[givemfitz]

Ok so I changed my avatar again. I've decided to lay off the "Commander and Thief" until closer to the election. I'm running out of Dubya jokes anyway.

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every woman in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

 

[givemfitz]

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"

"No, sir," a student called out.

"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can share yoiur knowledge with the rest of the class."

"It's simple," replied the student, "If the acid were able to dissolve the coin, you wouldn't have dropped it in."

 

[givemfitz]

Here are two versions of the same conversation...

Female version:

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Male version:

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

 

[givemfitz]

So a friend and I are sitting with our beers at our favorite watering hole having a disagreement about women and their orgasms.
I argued that it was much easier for a women to achieve orgasm while on top due to the added control this afforded them while he insisted that it didn't matter.
As we continued our discussion we were surprised at the arrival of two more beers that we had not ordered. The waitress explained that they were bought for us by a table full of women halfway across the pub.(about twenty feet away)
As we're waving our thanks beaming our brightest smiles the waitress adds, "They also wanted you both to know that it is actually easiest for a woman to acheive orgasm WITHOUT a man."
Our smiles vanished as half the women in the place fell over themselves laughing. It seems the beer had raised the volume of our voices more than we realized. <_<

 

[givemfitz]

Warnings & Instructions

On a package of bread-pudding mix
Product will be hot after heating.

On the bottom of a container of prepared (and delicate) tiramisu
Do not turn upside down.

Among the instructions with an iron
Do not iron clothes on body.

On a bottle of children's cough syrup
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On the bottle of an over-the-counter sleep aid
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

With a kitchen knife
Warning: Keep out of children.

With a string of Christmas lights
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a package of peanuts
Warning: Contains nuts.

On another package of peanuts
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.

In some chain saw instructions
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Among instructions for a glue that required the combining of a powder and a liquid catalyst
Stir 20 seconds. Use a watch.

 

[givemfitz]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip near Milpitas. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent".

 

[givemfitz]

Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern, instructing, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there, Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another one besides!" exclaimed the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

 

[givemfitz]

A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.

After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right.

Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?"

The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven... but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment!

 

[givemfitz]

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache:

2000 B.C.

Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D.

That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D.

That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D.

That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D.

That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D.

That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

 

[givemfitz]

New Vocabulary Words

1. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

6. Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

7. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8. Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

9. Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

10. Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

11. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

12. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

13. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

14. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

15. Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Jun 11 2004, 06:02 AM
2000 A.D.

That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

As well it should be!!

 

[givemfitz]

I got a special kick out of Arachnoleptic fit. *shivers* Yiiiiiiiiiiick.

 

[dascoot]

You ever wanna see the ass of a man traveling at the speed of light, show my husband a spider. Only thing on earth he's afraid of, I think.. he's even brave enough to kill the monster Florida cockroaches for me when I'm shrieking in the kitchen cause I just saw one crawl out from behind the wall phone and into the cupboard. *shiver* bleah

 

[cultclassic]

:lol:
I have an uncle like that! He's a Rambo. He lifts weights, boxes. He eats raw liver as part of his weird body building diet. I once saw him jump out of the bathroom squealing like a schoolgirl. My aunt had to go in and kill the spider.!