Joke Thread

[cultclassic]

Ok. Time for a Lawyer Joke!

A guy is sitting in the bar telling the bartender the story of his divorce. He ends his story saying: "There's only one word to describe a lawyer! ASSHOLE!"

Suddenly the man next to him says "Hey buddy! Did you know you just insulted ME! You don't even know me"

So the first guy says "I'm sorry! I didn't know you were a lawyer..."

The second guys gets even more angry: "You did it again! I'm NOT a lawyer! I'm an ASSHOLE!"

 

[dascoot]

Heh.. I love that Stewie butt wiggle..

 

[cultclassic]

thanks! capturing and converting it was painful! Next up: that Goth kid from South Park. I love his head jerking...

I became a huge Stewie fan after that episode when he went south and learned to play banjo with hilarious results....

 

[dascoot]

Never saw that one.. but I do so love Southern cliches in movies and tv.

 

[AmelieMellow]

i know the roach thing was a few posts ago, but i was reading it and i totally get it. one time i opened up a cabinet in the kitchen, and i opened it so fast that like, a little roach came flying out and landed on my face and all hell broke loose. i had to wash my face like, 10 times.

 

[cultclassic]

you know what you should watch? FEAR FACTOR :lol:

 

[AmelieMellow]

haha~~right! i feel like after that incident, i could take a couple bugs to the face. heh.

 

[dascoot]

Oh my god I had a Roach On Skin encounter once in elementary school.. I was wearing a skirt and was bent over at the water fountain and I felt this tickling on the back of my leg.. so I went to go scratch at it and it was this HUGE HONKIN PALMETTO BUG!!
I was in the hallway in the middle of the day so all the kids were in class, and all the doors to classrooms within earshot come swinging open as I shot by screaming.. oh LORD and I couldn't take a bath either! Had to sit in class the rest of the day with cockroach cooties on my legs!! *shiver*

 

[AmelieMellow]

hahaha....nothing worse than tiny little legs crawling on you!

 

[SirBax]

Q. Why does Santa have a garden?


A. Because he likes to HO, HO, HO!!!!

 

[givemfitz]

Originally posted by dascoot@Jun 11 2004, 08:38 PM
Never saw that one.. but I do so love Southern cliches in movies and tv.

OMG!!! Best Family Guy episode EVER!! You've got to make it a mission to see that one Cooter. They don't miss a single cliche. :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

Kimo is a bus driver for the Santa Clara Valley Transit Authority. One day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Happy Hollow Park and Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.

He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he see's Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"

"Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"

 

[givemfitz]

The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Yosemite, Tahoe, and Northern Sierra areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings:

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

 

[givemfitz]

Where Do Pets Come From?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer.

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.

 

[givemfitz]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 yr. old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "BUD."

 

[givemfitz]

NOT A JOKE BUT IT MADE ME SMILE.

Installing Love

Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE,and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

 

[givemfitz]

"How come you're late?" asks the Dr. as his office mgr. walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the Dr.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

 

[michelle]

aaww, that Customer Service post was cute.

 

[givemfitz]

Yeahhhhhhhhh huh. I liked it
I'm posting these now instead of when I get up cuz my comp is working when it feels like it. If I disappear for awhile.......that's why.

BUT AISLE BE BACH

 

[givemfitz]

A boy was overheard talking to himself as he strode through his backyard, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat.

"I'm the greatest baseball player in the world." he said proudly. Then he tossed the ball in the air, swung and missed.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball, threw it into the air and said to himself, "I'm the greatest baseball player ever!"

He swung at the ball again, and again he missed. He paused a moment to examine the bat and ball carefully.

Then once again he threw the ball into the air and said, "I'm the greatest baseball player who ever lived."

He swung the bat hard and again missed the ball.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "What a pitcher!"