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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
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givemfitz
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There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross.
A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the beggar with the cross, said: "Moishe...look who's trying to teach us marketing."
A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the beggar with the cross, said: "Moishe...look who's trying to teach us marketing."
givemfitz
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Lady to farmer: "Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information on the cause of Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any ideas on the subject?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull screws the cow only once a year?"
The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information to me. What's that got to do with anything?"
Farmer: "Well, Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?"
The lady, even more confused says, "No, I didn't know that."
Farmer: "So, just imagine I was playing with your tits four times a day but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad, too?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull screws the cow only once a year?"
The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information to me. What's that got to do with anything?"
Farmer: "Well, Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?"
The lady, even more confused says, "No, I didn't know that."
Farmer: "So, just imagine I was playing with your tits four times a day but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad, too?"
givemfitz
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Yeahhhhhh maybe just a teeeeeeeeeny bit. Not mentioning any names but I think I know soneone who has mad cow for the same reason. Or close enough
I put it there for her even though I'm not sure she even reads this thread. 
givemfitz
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A man with stomach pain goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him it’s constipation and he’ll have to use suppositories. The man is instructed to drop his pants and bend over, whereupon the doctor shoves the tablet up his ass.
"You’ll have to do the same thing every six hours for a week," says the doctor.
Later that evening the man is having difficulty inserting another suppository and asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, then drops his shorts and bends over. She proceeds to put one hand on his shoulder and with the other shoves the suppository home.
"Damn!" the man screams.
"What’s the matter?" she asks. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," he replies, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
"You’ll have to do the same thing every six hours for a week," says the doctor.
Later that evening the man is having difficulty inserting another suppository and asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, then drops his shorts and bends over. She proceeds to put one hand on his shoulder and with the other shoves the suppository home.
"Damn!" the man screams.
"What’s the matter?" she asks. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," he replies, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
givemfitz
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IT'S A QUOTE !!
Sports Commentators and the comments that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.
Oh my God, what have I just said?!"
Sports Commentators and the comments that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.
Oh my God, what have I just said?!"
givemfitz
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In the crowded courtroom the judge said to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
Ignoring the outburst, the judge said, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard."
Unable to let this continue, the judge stopped the proceedings and said to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Do you understand this or do you have a problem with it?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "Your Honor, for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
Ignoring the outburst, the judge said, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard."
Unable to let this continue, the judge stopped the proceedings and said to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Do you understand this or do you have a problem with it?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "Your Honor, for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
givemfitz
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony,he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony,he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
givemfitz
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A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, "You know that fur coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Bending down low she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well.... here it comes..."
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, "You know that fur coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Bending down low she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well.... here it comes..."
givemfitz
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A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
Researchers offered a group of women a large selection of mens photos to be graded on attractivness every day for 30 days.
The study showed that many women can be attracted to pretty boys at least half the month but if a woman is ovulating she is more prone to be attracted to men with rugged, masculine features.
Interestingly if the woman was menstruating she was most likely to be attracted to a police crime scene photo of a man with scissors shoved in his temple.
Researchers offered a group of women a large selection of mens photos to be graded on attractivness every day for 30 days.
The study showed that many women can be attracted to pretty boys at least half the month but if a woman is ovulating she is more prone to be attracted to men with rugged, masculine features.
Interestingly if the woman was menstruating she was most likely to be attracted to a police crime scene photo of a man with scissors shoved in his temple.
