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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
- Start date
Sir_Garland
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:lol:
leone
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A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"
cultclassic
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"Why do dogs lick their balls?"
"Because, the poor things can't make a fist."
"Because, the poor things can't make a fist."
leone
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"When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."
Sir_Garland
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Where is that from? I swear I saw it in a movie or something. Maybe it was an email....
michelle
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I thought this was kind of funny...
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
========================
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Sir_Garland
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:lol: That was funny.
michelle
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It's kind of true, right? I've been in circles with an "ugly girl" and probably been her at times myself. :lol:
. o O (saying the above is just another reason why i'm going straight to hell. :lol
(in honor of melissa... my first thought bubble)
. o O (saying the above is just another reason why i'm going straight to hell. :lol
(in honor of melissa... my first thought bubble)
leone
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A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar stares at them. The guy is completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
leone
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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts downing them as fast as he can. The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy replies, "You'd be drinking fast if you had what I had." Naturally, the bartender asks, "What do you have?" Grinning, the man answers, "75 cents."
leone
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Someone's away message...
I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transferred to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:
- If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press "2".
- If you have multiple personalities, please press "3", "4", and "5".
- If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transferred to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:
- If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press "2".
- If you have multiple personalities, please press "3", "4", and "5".
- If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
leone
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SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
