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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
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givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him.
"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound. By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.
Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...But, I can't tell you what it was...because you're not a monk !!!!!
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him.
"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound. By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.
Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...But, I can't tell you what it was...because you're not a monk !!!!!
leone
baby daddy
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I heard this one recently:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"
Sir_Garland
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I heard that joke but when I heard it, it was in reference to Oklahoma and Oklahoma State alumni. The Bedlam brawl as always.
givemfitz
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An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant near afternoon and
asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on
him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress
for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,
"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said
to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, my treat.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet
thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The
waitress nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke
on my bill.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the
strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the
door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening
up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of
back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled
"don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"
asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on
him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress
for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,
"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said
to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, my treat.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet
thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The
waitress nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke
on my bill.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the
strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the
door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening
up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of
back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled
"don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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As an old Italian Mafia Don lay dying he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like guns, Grandpa. How
about leaving me your Gold Rolex Watch instead."
"You lisinna to me," responded the Don. "Somma day you goina be runna
da bussiness. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home
and maybe a couple of bambino. Somma day you gona coma home and maybe
finda you wife in bed with another man. Whatta do you goina do then?
Point to you watch and say, 'Times up?'"
"Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But," whined the grandson, "I really don't like guns, Grandpa. How
about leaving me your Gold Rolex Watch instead."
"You lisinna to me," responded the Don. "Somma day you goina be runna
da bussiness. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home
and maybe a couple of bambino. Somma day you gona coma home and maybe
finda you wife in bed with another man. Whatta do you goina do then?
Point to you watch and say, 'Times up?'"
cultclassic
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:lol: that reminded me:
woody allen: "i love my watch. it reminds me of my grandfather. he sold it to me on his deathbed"
woody allen: "i love my watch. it reminds me of my grandfather. he sold it to me on his deathbed"
Sir_Garland
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:lol: And what Ravi said reminds me of the watch that Bruce Willis got from Christopher Walken of his great-great-great-great grandfather that carried it in his ass during the war in Pulp Fiction. 
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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Chris Walken kicks ass.
"Heyyyyyyy. You're talkin' to my man all wrong. That's the wrong tone. You better watch it. If you come at 'im like that again I'm gonna hafta stab ya in the face with a soldering iron."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
"Heyyyyyyy. You're talkin' to my man all wrong. That's the wrong tone. You better watch it. If you come at 'im like that again I'm gonna hafta stab ya in the face with a soldering iron."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Sir_Garland
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:lol: I love Christopher Walken. He's the reason that I started watching the Phophecy movies. The first was the best.
cultclassic
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remeber cham-pa-gne? :lol:
givemfitz
Fukushima hybrid gopher
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Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
leone
baby daddy
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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Sir_Garland
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:lol: That was funny
