Joke Thread

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
 
INTEROFFICE MEMO

Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEES EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
 
How to Write a College Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Listen to one of your favorite CD and that's it, seriously, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

13. Listen to your second favorite CD because the first one put you in a weird/sad/funny mood and you can't concentrate.

14. Check your email.

15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.

17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor their special flavor.

19. Check your email.

20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a.) Pro Bowlers Tour
B.) any movie starring Don Ameche

21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.

22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

23. Check your email.

24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.

25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.

28. Check your email.

29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

33. Check your email.

34. Leap up and write the paper.

35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.

36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.
 
That wasn't an email forward, you wrote that list yourself dintcha. :lol:
 
Originally posted by leone@Apr 12 2005, 12:50 AM
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
Click to expand...
That's my favorite part! :lol:
 
:lol:

I have to admit that the other day I did all of those except 10 and 21.
 
33 Check your Email

33.5 Check adtunes Forum

33.6 Post in the genral discussion
 
here's a dialog from the game monkey island 2 (they're funny)
Guybrush:
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Woodchuck:
"A woodchuck could chuck no amount of wood since a woodchuck couldn't chuck wood."
Guybrush
"But if a woodchuck could chuck and would chuck some amount of wood, what amount of wood would a woodchuck chuck?"
Woodchuck
"Even if a woodchuck could chuck wood, and even if a woodchuck would chuck wood, should a woodchuck chuck wood?"
Guybrush

"A woodchuck should chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, as long as a woodchuck would chuck wood."
Woodchuck
"Oh, shut up!"
 
here's another difficult one (for me that is, english is kinda hard):

Wouldn't the sentence, "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?


and here's a lame joke from world of warcraft:

So this guy walks up to me and he's like:"I'm a wigwum, i'm a teepee, i'm a wigwum, i'm a teepee!"and i'm like; "relax, man, you're too tense"
 
now, i'm curious, which one did you think was funny?
or are you just making fun of my sense of humor? :unsure:
 
No, I'm not making fun of you. I was actually laughing at the two tense one. I've heard it before but it always makes me laugh.
 
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