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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
- Start date
Ok when I was in Jr high I think I always did this joke withmy dad
Ok so in my hand theres a little man and his name is *puts ear to hand* Davi.
Davi is talented!
He can dance, play the piano, soing and jump really high.
"Dad will you hold his coat?" * and so my dad has his finger and thumb together "holding his coat"
Ok Davi dance! * preten he's dancing*
Yea! Ok Davi play the piano and lay a tune out for me. * blah blah.. but really get into it*
Ok Davi jump! * pretend he jumps by lifting your head*
Yea Davi!!!!!
"Dad do you really think there is a little man in my hand?
He says no but 9 times out of ten he's still holding the coat. So then you say "Then why are you holding his coat?
Ok so in my hand theres a little man and his name is *puts ear to hand* Davi.
Davi is talented!
He can dance, play the piano, soing and jump really high.
"Dad will you hold his coat?" * and so my dad has his finger and thumb together "holding his coat"
Ok Davi dance! * preten he's dancing*
Yea! Ok Davi play the piano and lay a tune out for me. * blah blah.. but really get into it*
Ok Davi jump! * pretend he jumps by lifting your head*
Yea Davi!!!!!
"Dad do you really think there is a little man in my hand?
He says no but 9 times out of ten he's still holding the coat. So then you say "Then why are you holding his coat?
Sir_Garland
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That's a cute one.
Sir_Garland
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Women are clever bitches:
A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "I
know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60. ! "I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
>Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "I
know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60. ! "I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
>Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
Sir_Garland
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On mine or the one before that?
Sir_Garland
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
motorcycles, eh?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a
road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours.
went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
motorcycles, eh?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a
road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours.
leone
baby daddy
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Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.
"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!
"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"
"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!
"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"
leone
baby daddy
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Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and
the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to
him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his
friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a
stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire
portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our
sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay
bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally
thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last
three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock
portfolio."
the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to
him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his
friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a
stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire
portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our
sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay
bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally
thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last
three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock
portfolio."
leone
baby daddy
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?!'
And she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?!'
And she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
