Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.

The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."

They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

 

[givemfitz]

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

 

[cultclassic]

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- Abraham Lincoln

 

[leone]

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

 

[cultclassic]

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

 

[cultclassic]

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

 

[givemfitz]

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

 

[leone]

"Flying is learning to throw yourself at the ground, and miss."
-Douglas Adams

 

[givemfitz]

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

 

[leone]

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
-Robin Williams

 

[givemfitz]

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

 

[leone]

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

 

[givemfitz]

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

 

[leone]

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
-Emo Philips

 

[givemfitz]

Whatever happened to Emo Phillips? He used to crack me up.

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

 

[leone]

:lol:

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
Elaine Boosler

 

[givemfitz]

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

 

[leone]

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."
-Jack Handey

 

[givemfitz]

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

 

[cultclassic]

*plays duelling banjos*