Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

The difference between "guts" and "balls"!

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys with lipstick on your collar, smelling of perfume and beer, then slapping your wife on the ass
and saying, "You're next."

 

[givemfitz]

A blond pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"

 

[leone]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[leone]

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

 

[leone]

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.

"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight."

"I know, I know," said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

 

[michelle]

:lol: perfect. :lol:

 

[leone]

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

 

[leone]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

 

[leone]

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya....... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

 

[dascoot]

:lol:

 

[givemfitz]

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

[givemfitz]

Two Jewish businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning. I have a fantastic breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda and relax. I go inside for lunch, have great salads, the best coffee, and I go out and lie on my veranda again. When it gets dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."

The other Jewish gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?"

Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

 

[leone]

"Y'all got any American razor blades in here ?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."

"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."

"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good." the Texan retorted.

"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it.

 

[leone]

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

 

[leone]

A guy and his buddy were golfing, when really they should have been at home working on the house. They told their wives they were going to work. So they went to the golf course and they caught up to two women playing really slow. One guy said he'd go ask to play through. So he starts walking up to them and suddenly stops, and turns around. Walks back and says ''Man, my wife and my girlfriend are those ladies in front of us.'' So the other guy says he'll go see if they can play through. He starts walking up, stops, and turns back. '' What's wrong?'' he asked. ''MY wife and MY girlfriend are playing in front of us!''

 

[givemfitz]

Two bored, male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the
dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come
on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I
WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were
watching."



THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

 

[dascoot]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Jun 14 2005, 04:31 PM
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

k: :lol:

 

[leone]

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?," the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

[leone]

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

 

[leone]

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"