Joke Thread

[leone]

I'll still stalk you. k:

 

[Sir_Garland]

Aww, thanks. :blush:

 

[ad-rock]

A sailor met a pirate, and they started to talk about their adventures at sea. The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch. He asked, "So, how did you end up with that peg leg?"

The pirate replied, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me in, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" exclaimed the sailor. "How did you get that hook?"

"Well," replied the pirate, "we boarded an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand."

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get that eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked in surprise.

"Well," said the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."

 

[leone]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.

 

[givemfitz]

Two blonds living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blond says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other blond turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?

 

[leone]

:lol: That reminds me of that "Which is bigger? ... the elephant" millionaire question.

 

[leone]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

 

[dascoot]

:lol: Stupid boys. <_<

 

[givemfitz]

This guy couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so he called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?"

"Denver."

 

[givemfitz]

A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.

Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."

The second man replied, "Irish."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again.

Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, "Glasgow."

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.

"Cancer", said Jim.

"...Sagittarius," replied Paddy.

 

[Sir_Garland]

clicky

I can't believe it but I actually got this right on the first try. No cheating!!!

 

[givemfitz]

:lol: You funny

 

[leone]

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

 

[leone]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

 

[leone]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

[givemfitz]

:lol:

 

[givemfitz]

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

 

[givemfitz]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Johnny replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend to whom I hope to be able to introduce you after dinner."

 

[leone]

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

 

[leone]

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over ninety miles an hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Shit," cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."