Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

What's the difference between purple and pink?

The grip.

 

[leone]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

 

[dascoot]

Fitz this is so weird, that grip joke and the washed crack one were both jokes we heard from my husband's best friend when we were on vacation. I mean he told them both, one after the other, in the same order.

You're....... you're not Jay, are you?? :blink:

 

[givemfitz]

Only the first initial

What is a Yankee?

Same as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.

 

[givemfitz]

What is the difference between a Gspot and a golfball?

A guy will actually look for a golfball.

 

[givemfitz]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64."

Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

 

[Caren H]

:lol: :lol: ^

Red Neck Lines

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ...
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a li-berry card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you in I were Squirrels,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I jus wanted to say sumthin that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

 

[givemfitz]

Little boy - Grampa make the sound of a frog

Grampa - Why?


Little boy - Grampa please just make the sound a frog makes.

Grampa - But why?


Little boy - GRAMPA JUST MAKE A FROG SOUND PLEEEEEEEASE!!!!

Grampa - Ok I will but first you have to tell me why.


Little boy - Because mommy and daddy say that we're going to Disneyland just as soon as you croak.

 

[givemfitz]

A young bachelor farmer from the Eastern Shore of Maryland had developed a reputation for being a perfectionist. When planting corn, the rows had to be exactly 16 and a half inches apart . . . . not 16 and a quarter, not 16 and three quarters . . . . but exactly 16 and a half inches. When he built a new wooden fence for his horses, the top rail of the fence had to be exactly 48 inches from ground level at all points. Neighbors would drive by and see him out in the field several time a week measuring the top rail of the fence with a laser device and they would just shake their heads. Make no mistake about it, this bachelor farmer was a perfectionist.

When he turned 23 years old, he decided there were no suitable young ladies for him anywhere on the Eastern Shore. He dated dozens of young women from Pocomoke City to Dover and never seemed to find that one perfect woman. There was always something that disqualified a girl from being his perfect mate.

So he decided to travel out to the corn belt and see if he could find the ideal farm girl, the one that was perfect in every way. He drove the back roads of Iowa, Illinois and Indiana where he scouted for the perfect woman. While traveling through southern Nebraska one afternoon, he came upon a quaint, well-kept little farmstead where three young ladies were outside enjoying the brilliant, sunny day. He stopped and discovered the three young ladies were all sisters . . . and all were single. They were beautiful, intelligent, feminine in some respects and tom-boyish in other respects. They were knowledgeable about life on the farm and seemed to be fine, outstanding young ladies. So he decided to ask the girl's father if he could date them . . . one at a time of course. He told the father he was looking for his perfect bride and the father responded that all three girls were indeed available.

So he took the first sister out and had the time of his life. She was bright, witty, and fun to be with. But when he returned the girl home, he told the girl's father that, although she was very close to perfection, she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . pigeon-toed.

He then took the second sister out on a date and the two had a great time, talking into the wee hours of the morning and hitting it off wonderfully. But when he returned this sister home, he told the girl's father that, she also was very close to perfection, but she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . cross-eyed.

So finally he took the third sister out and knew immediately that he had found the perfect woman. In every way, she was the bride of his dreams.

So they got married a few weeks later and moved back to the Eastern Shore of Maryland where they established their home. Life was good. The corn harvest was huge that fall and prices were better than anyone had seen for several years. Everything seemed to be going perfect, especially when the couple found out they were expecting their first child. The pregnancy went well, and the following summer, the couple gave birth to a healthy baby. But when the new father looked at his child for the first time, he determined this was the ugliest baby he had ever seen. "How could this happen? I went to all that trouble to find the perfect wife and now she gives me this baby that has to be the ugliest child on the planet." The young man was clearly upset.

He immediately got into his truck and drove all the way to the Nebraska farmhouse where he confronted the girl's father and demanded an explanation.

The father responded "Well, you may not have noticed it . . . it was ever so slight . . . . but when you married her, she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . pregnant."

 

[givemfitz]

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago !

 

[cchs08]

Fitz
ur a genius
those jokes where hilarious
mad props

 

[givemfitz]

Well thanks but I didn't write them. I just post what I find.

EDIT- I'm pretty sure others contributed.



Why are there only 50 entries every year for the Miss Black America pageant?

They just can't find a woman who will wear a sash that says IDAHO.

 

[givemfitz]

What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

 

[leone]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Jun 16 2007, 07:28 AM
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

:lol: Get off my lawn!

 

[givemfitz]

My new french doors don't work right.

No matter how much I lick them they just won't open.

 

[leone]

101 Ways to Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

 

[alleycat08]

those are pretty goddamn annoying! got alotta time on ur hands i see? :huh:

...jk lol

 

[givemfitz]

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you TEN for puking on you," says the wife. "Oh yeah," says the drunk. "He shit in my pants too."

 

[givemfitz]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

 

[givemfitz]

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her.
On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."