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Joke Thread
- Thread starter givemfitz
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leone
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Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,"
Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,"
Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
leone
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Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
leone
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"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" the blonde asked a man on the street corner.
"Sure... it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.
"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face.
"You know, it's the weirdest thing -- I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."
"Sure... it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.
"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face.
"You know, it's the weirdest thing -- I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."
leone
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Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
leone
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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde.
"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde.
"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
leone
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A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to overseas as part of a peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
leone
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A Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"
leone
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An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Sir_Garland
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:angry:
Sir_Garland
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I remember that. Is it how the word originated?
dascoot
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I've heard a rumor that the word came from when prostitutes got booked "for unlawful carnal knowledge" but that's prolly an urban legend.
I found it! Here ya go folks, and it even has a wav in case you're too lazy to read it all yourself.
That site's awesome too, they got all kindsa good stuff besides the F Word thing. :lol:
I found it! Here ya go folks, and it even has a wav in case you're too lazy to read it all yourself.
That site's awesome too, they got all kindsa good stuff besides the F Word thing. :lol:
Sir_Garland
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I heard that it came from when the kings granted permission for their knights to fornicate and they would hang a sign on their room that would say Fornicate Under Consent of the King.
