Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

On Ashcroft's first day as Attorney General, he entered the Justice Department building and saw the statue of Justice, depicted as a woman, bare from the waist up. He called an aide and demanded that the statue be covered up, stating "I will not condone such displays of immorality at the Department of Justice." The aide complied, draping the statue in a sheet.

And that was the last time that Justice was seen in Washington.

 

[givemfitz]

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing out a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-dicked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

 

[michelle]

Originally posted by givemfitz@Apr 13 2004, 02:27 AM
On Ashcroft's first day as Attorney General, he entered the Justice Department building and saw the statue of Justice, depicted as a woman, bare from the waist up. He called an aide and demanded that the statue be covered up, stating "I will not condone such displays of immorality at the Department of Justice." The aide complied, draping the statue in a sheet.

And that was the last time that Justice was seen in Washington.

what was up with that anyway? i mean, is he so juvenile that he can't deal with an inanimate object d' art that happens to be nude? i wonder if he's ever been to an art museum or europe?

 

[dascoot]

THAT REALLY HAPPENED?
Oh my GOD what has happened to us?

 

[AmelieMellow]

ewww.....not US. well at least not ALL of us. it sounds like he hasn't been ANYwhere. ppppfffffllllttttt. <_<

 

[michelle]

Read this about the statue and Ashcroft.

 

[givemfitz]

Yep. Most of the GOP and all of the moral right have sticks shoved so far up their individual asses that they have quite literally become pinheads.
Just my opinion

 

[AmelieMellow]

me-thinks they are closet pervs.

 

[givemfitz]

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer's the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer's all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer's you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.

A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer's with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.

I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys.

I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer's to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

 

[givemfitz]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old-timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

[AmelieMellow]

:lol:

 

[givemfitz]

I know I've done political cows. Here is my list of corporate cows.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

 

[givemfitz]

Tom heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Tom and his good friend Darryl headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Tom and Darryl arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Tom stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Darryl headed for home.

When Tom arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

The feeble old grandmother took Tom by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."

 

[Beka87]

What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?

"You're the wind beneath my wings!"

 

[givemfitz]

George W. Bush's Resume

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500
-----------------------------------
Past Work Experience

Ran for congress and lost.
Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after he sold all of his stock.
Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.
-------------------------------------------------
Accomplishments in Previous Positions

Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.

Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of his father's appointments to the Supreme Court.
---------------------------------------
Accomplishments As President

Attacked and took over two countries.
Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
In his first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest a U.S. President (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
His presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
Members of his cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
His biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view a U.S. president as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
Failed to fulfill his pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months he has no leads and zero suspects.
Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
---------------------------------
Records and References

At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about past drug use.
All records of his tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to his father's library, sealed in secrecy and remain unavailable for public view.
All records of any SEC investigations into his insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All minutes of meetings for any public corporation in which he served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
Any records or minutes from meetings he (or his VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
For personal references you may speak to his daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

Sources: CNN, FOX News channel, L.A. Times, L.A. Daily News, Wall Street Journal, U.S. News & World Report and multiple sources from google news search engine.

 

[givemfitz]

Bumper Stickers for the Bush 2004 Campaign

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind

Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!

Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.

Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time.

Bush/Cheney '04: Over a billion Whoppers served.

Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism

Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.

Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.

Bush/Cheney '04: Asses of Evil

Bush/Cheney '04: Don't think. Vote Bush!

Bush/Cheney '04: A brainwave away from the presidency

Bush/Cheney '04: The buck stops Over There

Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!


That's Right. I'm all over George Dubyas Ass. Again.

 

[Shatterpoint]

That's Right. I'm all over George Dubyas Ass. Again.

Vive la Resistancia!

 

[dascoot]

I'd like to add to that with my newest favorite site, a link from Wookieman's site, and another link that I got from the former. Anyone who enjoys satire and hates The Dub, please visit:
http://www.whitehouse.org and http://www.georgewbush.org
KEEP IN MIND!! This is SATIRE, this is TONGUE IN CHEEK! If you misinterpret the Condi poster, then you've got no place at that site anyway.

 

[givemfitz]

:lol: :lol: :lol: added to favs

 

[michelle]

I think my new name for dubya is going to become Whitey. :lol: