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The funniest thing I've seen today
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dascoot
expat
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Damn it woman, I think someone separated us at birth.Originally posted by ledzepgrl@Apr 7 2006, 02:35 AM
Oh Christ, mine looks like he's gonna rip my head off :lol:
Eeek! Don't eat me!
leone
baby daddy
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:lol: :lol: :lol: "It puts the lotion in the basket." :annoyed:Originally posted by ledzepgrl@Apr 7 2006, 02:35 AM
Oh Christ, mine looks like he's gonna rip my head off :lol:
Eeek! Don't eat me!
Sir_Garland
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The symbol kid is adorable.
Sir_Garland
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That's amazing. I don't think I could even finish before my apples would start rotting.
sketchyrx
Sweet Disposition
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Sorry if you've already seen this I thought it was funny. It's on my brothers' MySpace.
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex- girlfriends when I know for a fact they do
not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball
and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit
Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin, prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex- girlfriends when I know for a fact they do
not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball
and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit
Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin, prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Sir_Garland
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:lol: Loved it.
Sir_Garland
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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
I n response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press Release
stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy
a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have
to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning l ights would
all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how
to drive all over again because none of the con trols would operate in
the
same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
computers have enhanced our lives, read on...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
I n response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press Release
stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy
a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have
to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning l ights would
all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how
to drive all over again because none of the con trols would operate in
the
same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Sir_Garland
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I liked ^ that one the best.
Sir_Garland
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Oh, and maybe we should add something about if you have any problems you have to call some 800 number that directs you to a desk in India that doesn't speak English and tries to walk you through fixing your car yourself over the phone.
cultclassic
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