ActuarialMadness
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I've changed quite a bit from 7/1/2003 to 7/1/2004. The metamorphasis concerns mostly inner peace, self-esteem, confidence and possibly identity (I will post about this later). Anyway, here is my dilemna that I was hoping the ladies could specifically comment on.
Approximately 3 years ago, I dated a girl who is pretty much the only person I've "fallen in love with at first sight." And by fall in love, I obviously don't mean true love, but intense obsession/infatuation. This was largely based on physical traits as I contend she had a unqiue beauty about her that I've never found equal in another, but quickly extrapolated into personality, as she was an incredibly fun, caring, sweet, honest girl who filled me with nothing but warmth and positive energy. For the first few months we were together, life was in one word: perfect. I was on continuous cloud 9 with no intention of coming down.
But a form of strife developed between us, namely that she was very religious which is an ironic curse I cannot seem to escape. Anyway, the devout religious beliefs held her back in the physical intimacy department. She was in constant inner conflict about it, giving in and then beating herself up with guilt over the immorality of the acts.
Some people have told me that if you truly respect someone you can be "friends" without letting lack of physical intimacy affect you, but I call rubbish on that. When you desire something much more than a friend and when you've already gone down that path multiple times, to instantly cut it off and change the dynamics of the relationship, when one or both parties do not want it to change, is virtually impossible. This is basically what transpired. She backed off and said the likes of "I can't get into a serious relationship now" which was influenced by both her own mental state at the time and her religous piety.
To give a bit more about myself, I was a weak, needy, vulnerable boy who desired love, affection and attention beyond anything else. I didn't have the confidence or inner peace to break off the attachment and thus it caused a severe mismatch that lead to constant stress and fluctuations of volatility in my emotional state of mind. At this point, I did the only thing possible to end this rollercoaster of emotions. I cut her loose completely and severed all contact with her.
I never found out her reaction but I was incredibly honest in my exit speech, telling her basically what I've disclosed here. I know she highly valued my friendship and imagine she felt utterly betrayed and abandoned. She hung out with me more than anyone else in this city and I knew she really enjoyed my company. At that point, we were just on different emotional planes and only in the past year or so have I finally understood where she was at in life, a rather detached state I current reside in.
Anyway, to my present situation: My actions of abandonment have haunted my dreams for 3 years now. It's not continual but it rears its ugly head fairly regularly. The dreams saturate me with guilt and usually involve her in some kind of pain and anguish and releasing a deluge of this intense emotion onto me included with an endless stream of blame.
I want these dreams to stop and feel that the only way to prevent them is to contact her again and ask for her forgiveness. Maybe if i hear that she does not hold anything against me, it can release my subconscious pain and the blame I carry for what I perceive was a cowardly, pain inducing act.
So what do you think? Should I call her/email her? It's been exactly 2 years 8 months since I've spoken to her. I know that's a long time but her face still haunts my dreams and It scares the shit out of me. If you were in her situation, how would you feel about me contacting you? Thanks for any advice.
Approximately 3 years ago, I dated a girl who is pretty much the only person I've "fallen in love with at first sight." And by fall in love, I obviously don't mean true love, but intense obsession/infatuation. This was largely based on physical traits as I contend she had a unqiue beauty about her that I've never found equal in another, but quickly extrapolated into personality, as she was an incredibly fun, caring, sweet, honest girl who filled me with nothing but warmth and positive energy. For the first few months we were together, life was in one word: perfect. I was on continuous cloud 9 with no intention of coming down.
But a form of strife developed between us, namely that she was very religious which is an ironic curse I cannot seem to escape. Anyway, the devout religious beliefs held her back in the physical intimacy department. She was in constant inner conflict about it, giving in and then beating herself up with guilt over the immorality of the acts.
Some people have told me that if you truly respect someone you can be "friends" without letting lack of physical intimacy affect you, but I call rubbish on that. When you desire something much more than a friend and when you've already gone down that path multiple times, to instantly cut it off and change the dynamics of the relationship, when one or both parties do not want it to change, is virtually impossible. This is basically what transpired. She backed off and said the likes of "I can't get into a serious relationship now" which was influenced by both her own mental state at the time and her religous piety.
To give a bit more about myself, I was a weak, needy, vulnerable boy who desired love, affection and attention beyond anything else. I didn't have the confidence or inner peace to break off the attachment and thus it caused a severe mismatch that lead to constant stress and fluctuations of volatility in my emotional state of mind. At this point, I did the only thing possible to end this rollercoaster of emotions. I cut her loose completely and severed all contact with her.
I never found out her reaction but I was incredibly honest in my exit speech, telling her basically what I've disclosed here. I know she highly valued my friendship and imagine she felt utterly betrayed and abandoned. She hung out with me more than anyone else in this city and I knew she really enjoyed my company. At that point, we were just on different emotional planes and only in the past year or so have I finally understood where she was at in life, a rather detached state I current reside in.
Anyway, to my present situation: My actions of abandonment have haunted my dreams for 3 years now. It's not continual but it rears its ugly head fairly regularly. The dreams saturate me with guilt and usually involve her in some kind of pain and anguish and releasing a deluge of this intense emotion onto me included with an endless stream of blame.
I want these dreams to stop and feel that the only way to prevent them is to contact her again and ask for her forgiveness. Maybe if i hear that she does not hold anything against me, it can release my subconscious pain and the blame I carry for what I perceive was a cowardly, pain inducing act.
So what do you think? Should I call her/email her? It's been exactly 2 years 8 months since I've spoken to her. I know that's a long time but her face still haunts my dreams and It scares the shit out of me. If you were in her situation, how would you feel about me contacting you? Thanks for any advice.