Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him without going to jail."

 

[givemfitz]

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

 

[givemfitz]

A cowboy at a bar in Great Falls, MT. orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "I know. But that's OK. I have two brothers. One is in Billings, the other in Helena. I'm in Great Falls. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender tells him it is a nice custom. The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.. One day he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

[givemfitz]

(Sing along to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.

DUI, that is.
Criminal record.
Cover-up.

Time goes by and little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.

Blow, that is.
White gold.
Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
So before there was a chance for the board to send a card.
His daddy set him up in the Texas Air Guard.

Cushy, that is.
Country clubs.
Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.

Extremists, that is.
Falwell.
Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"You better stop the colored folks gittin to the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.

Chads, that is.
Duval County.
Miami-Dade.

Before the votes could be recounted, well the Justices stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop recounting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.

Rigged, that is.
Illegitimate.
No majority.

Y'all come vote now.
Ya hear?

 

[givemfitz]

Do you fancy working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year ...


Then you too can be a member of Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

 

[givemfitz]

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

 

[dascoot]

*laughing like Jordan from The Bernie Mac Show* Ehehehehehehehe!!

 

[givemfitz]

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up...

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him...

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

 

[givemfitz]

President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.

"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analyzed and it's the Vice President's". Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"

"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."

 

[michelle]

the vice-pres scares me. he looks like a robot or soemthing. :ermm:

 

[Kodos84]

Originally posted by dascoot@May 5 2004, 04:22 PM
*laughing like Jordan from The Bernie Mac Show* Ehehehehehehehe!!

i so totally knew someone like him in elementary school. Same exact laugh too. :lol:

 

[givemfitz]

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"

Mom said, "Not yet, honey."

 

[givemfitz]

A tragic fire on Friday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

 

[AmelieMellow]

Originally posted by michelle@May 6 2004, 11:53 AM
the vice-pres scares me. he looks like a robot or soemthing. :ermm:

haha...he comes from the same company that make stepford wives

 

[michelle]

exactly! maybe it's just his lip that scares me. i don't know.

 

[dascoot]

He's like The Gimp, he's a freak and they keep him chained up..

 

[AmelieMellow]

SLOTH!!!!

BABEEEE RUUUUTH??

 

[dascoot]

Sloth.. LOVE CHUNK!

 

[givemfitz]

:lol: I'm watching a docu/commercial on the Travel Channel right now about all of the Disney Parks and the imagineers that design everything. What a KEWLLL JOB!! Anyway they showed all those animatronic historical figures and I thought I saw Cheney dressed as Ben Franklin.
Ya know...........................ya never see em together. Hmmm

 

[michelle]

true, fitz... very true. i honestly can't even picture the real Cheney -- all i think of is Darrel Hammond's version of him on SNL. That's sad.