Joke Thread

[givemfitz]

Two Newfie hunters got a pilot to fly them from St John's up to Labrador to hunt moose. They were quite successful and bagged six of them. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could only take 4 moose.

The two lads strongly objected saying, "Last year we also shot 6 and the pilot let us put them all on board, and it was also the exact same type of plane with the exact same capacity."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. However, upon take-off the little plane couldn't make it and they crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreck one Newfie asked the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"Yup!" said the second one, "I think it's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[givemfitz]

George Bush Sn. and George W. Bush were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.

"Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something," he said, " But I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later George said to George, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," says George, "but now we're dragging it away from the truck instead of towards it."

 

[givemfitz]

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[givemfitz]

The far right militia extremists finally get it together and overthrow the government. Then they start rounding up politicians to execute. A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".

 

[givemfitz]

"An article came out in New Yorker Magazine that said in order to gather intelligence Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld authorized a secret program that encouraged the sexual humiliation of Iraqi prisoners.
Rumsfeld said the article is outlandish, conspiratorial and full of conjecture.

He didn't say the article was false though. Hmmmmmmmm

 

[givemfitz]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

 

[givemfitz]

One day Dubya decides he wants to learn to sky dive so he talks to Cheney who has done it before. Cheney agrees to teach him how so they go up in Air Force One somewhere over Texas and Cheney says to Dubya "Jump out and pull your rip cord. I'll be right behind you and we'll go down together OK?" Bush jumps out and pulls his ripcord and starts floating down. Cheney jumps out and immediately has a heart attack and flies past Dubya. Bush sees Cheney streaking past and screams, undoing his parachute, "So ya wanna race huh?"

 

[givemfitz]

President Bush is planning for a quick exit from Iraq. He's doing that to avoid a quick exit from the White House. Apparently we're handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30th. Actually, we're just handing them the leash. —Jay Leno

 

[givemfitz]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, a man decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with the man, and the next day she became his stepmother.

 

[givemfitz]

KFC SPECIAL

Did you hear about the new Kentucky Fried Chicken special?

It's the George W. Bush Admin. Bucket....All right wings and Arse holes..

 

[givemfitz]

"The White House is now saying that they still do not have a timetable for when the U.S. will be out of Iraq. Although they hinted that it would be early in the Kerry administration." —David letterman

 

[givemfitz]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

 

[givemfitz]

Q. How can you tell George W. Bush apart from a cow? A. By the wise look in the cows eyes.

Q: How many George Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2 , 1 to change it and 1 to lethally inject the old lightbulb.

Q. What happens when you cross James Dean with George Bush?
A. You get a rebel without a clue.

Q. Why will they bury George W. Bush face down?
A. So he can see where he is going.

Q: Why did George W. Bush snort a whole packet of Sweet-n-Low?
A: He thought it was Diet Coke!

Q: How do you give George W. Bush a brain transplant?
A: Blow in his ear.

Q: What's the major thing that separates Bill Clinton
from George W. Bush?
A: 8 years of economic prosperity.

Q: What did Bush suggest struggling families do to increase their income?
A: Sell their vacation homes.

Q: How did Bush respond to criticism that his tax cuts weren't helping the economy?
A: That's just fuzzy math, in fact, my family alone has already saved millions.

Q: What did Bush say when asked about the rising deficit?
A: Don't worry, I'm firmly committed to keeping it under a gazillion.

Q: Why does President Bush have so much trouble speaking properly?
A: Poor puppeteering.

Q: What did President Bush say when he heard that Sprite might drop Kobe?
A: "Who cares, I'm a coke man myself."

Q: Why did George W. Bush used to drink so much?
A: He was hoping that Bud would make him Wiser.

Q. How many Bush supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six, one to turn the bulb and five to create a related tax loophole for the rich.

On George W. Bush: 'He thinks Roe v. Wade are options for crossing the Potomac.'"

 

[givemfitz]

"President Bush still says Iraq has weapons of mass destruction we never found. It sounds like he is back on those drugs he never did." —Craig Kilborn

Personal note-I happen to agree with him on this one but it's still funny.

 

[givemfitz]

Only a woman can TRULY relate to the following, but l found it hilarious!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat.

Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.

Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the Toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in my more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors and every one is occupied.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper only to find that the dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on-that's in your purse. It will have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper. Not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You never know what kind of diseases you might get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up.

You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable, at this point, to smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand saying warmly, "Here." "You might need this."

At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed... This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

PS - The answer to the other question, why women go in pairs. So the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex!

 

[givemfitz]

"Dick Cheney gave a speech at the Coast Guard Academy in which he vowed that Americans would fight on in Iraq. Actually he said, 'not me, but a lot of other Americans.' Maybe we should have a new law in this country: Anybody vowing to fight on should actually have to do some of the fighting." —Jay Leno

 

[givemfitz]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

 

[givemfitz]

A lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back,complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled, prompting the radio,......"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

 

[givemfitz]

"President Bush fell off his bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off. And you know what was really sad? Dubya was on a stationary bike. Even more embarrassing because the other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously." —Jay Leno

 

[michelle]

:lol: what a boob.

did you see the photos of him all bruised up? being president has not been good for him. he looks like shi-at.